Grab your helmet and knee pads because it’s Rollerblades vs. Scooters! Listen as journalist and podcaster Jed Kim rolls out for team Scooters while singer, writer, and comedian Andrew Barbato slices through the competition for team Rollerblades! Who will be crowned the Smash Boom Best? Vote below for the team YOU think won!
Also… do you have your Smarty Pass yet? Get yours today for just $5/month (or $45/year) and get bonus episodes every month, and ad-free versions of every episode of Brains On, Smash Boom Best, Moment of Um and Forever Ago. Visit www.smartypass.org to get your Smarty Pass today. As an added bonus, your Smarty Pass will grant you access to a super special debate starring Sanden and Molly!
Audio Transcript
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MOLLY: From the brains behind Brains On!, it's Smash Boom Best.
ANNA: The show for people with big opinions. Hi, I'm Anna Weggel filling in for Molly Bloom, and this is Smash Boom Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's debate needs a helmet, knee pads, and so much balance. Things are about to get gnarly and certainly cooler because it's rollerblades versus scooters. We've got journalist and podcaster Jed Kim ready to roll for team scooters.
JED: Scooters rule. What else would you call your dog, your horse or your grandpa?
ANNA: And singer, writer and comedian Andrew Barbato is going to slide through the competition for team rollerblades.
ANDREW: Woo hoo! Let's roll out the facts and see who's got a smoother ride. [CLEARS THROAT] Rollerblades.
[LAUGHS]
ANNA: And here to judge it all is Tiger from Rochester, New York. Tiger has a third degree black belt in taekwondo. And when he isn't playing trumpet, you can find him playing Dungeons and Dragons. Hi, Tiger.
TIGER: What up, Smash Boom Best.
ANNA: So, Tiger, what do you like to do in Dungeons and Dragons?
TIGER: Well, I'm a dungeon master for almost every single campaign I've done. And the different things we do vary greatly depending on my team and what they want and what they think is best.
ANNA: And what do you think makes a really good dungeon master?
TIGER: Be able to catch your team off guard. And if you do something and you thought it was a great twist, but they completely expected it, well, that's not good. You want to constantly keep surprising them.
ANNA: And we also heard that you play trumpet. So what are your favorite trumpet songs to play?
TIGER: Anything Lord of the Rings.
ANNA: Ooh, like the score?
TIGER: Yeah.
ANNA: How does that go again?
JED: Doesn't it go-- (SINGING) Dun, dun, dun, dun, da dun--
TIGER: You're thinking of Star Wars.
ANDREW: Star Wars.
ANNA: No, I think it goes-- I think it goes-- doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo--
TIGER: That's Jurassic Park. That's Jurassic Park.
ANNA: Oh, right.
ANDREW: Oh, I know what it goes like. I know what it goes like. It goes-- (SINGING) doo doo doo doo doo doo--
TIGER: That's Harry Potter.
JED: Yeah, that's it.
TIGER: That's Harry Potter.
ANNA: No, I think-- sorry, I think it goes. (SINGING) Thank you for being a friend--
JED: Being a friend.
[LAUGHTER]
ANNA: Yeah.
ANDREW: That's the Golden Girls.
ANNA: Yeah, oh, got it. OK, when we figure it out. Now, do you have any advice for our debaters today?
TIGER: I mean, just be funny, be yourself, and I will take any movie references I can get.
ANNA: Ooh.
JED: Oh. OK.
ANNA: Hot tip from Tiger.
ANDREW: Switching up my game plan, yes. Be funny and be myself.
ANNA: Oh.
ANDREW: I don't think I can be both.
ANNA: Choose one. All right. Will Tiger side with Jed or Andrew? Only time will tell. But first, let's review the rules of the game. Every debate consists of four rounds, the Declaration of Greatness, the Micro Round, the Sneak Attack, and the Final Six.
After each round, our judge Tiger will award points to the team that impresses him the most, but he'll keep his decisions top secret until the end of the debate. Listeners, we want you to judge too. Mark down your points as you listen. And at the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org and vote for whichever team you think won. OK, Jed, Andrew, and Tiger, are you ready?
TIGER: Yeah.
ANDREW: Oh, yeah.
JED: Are you ready for this, Andrew?
ANDREW: I could not be more ready for this.
JED: I believe in you. You're going to lose. But I believe in you.
ANNA: Then it's time for the--
MOLLY: Declaration of Greatness.
ANNA: In this round, our debaters will present a well crafted immersive argument in favor of their side. They'll each have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. We flipped a coin and, Jed, you're up first. Tell us why scooters are the ride that can't be denied?
NARRATOR: Today, on nonsensical nature, we find ourselves deep in the sweltering swamps of Switzerland. Weaving amid the towering palm trees are two humans on wheels.
JED: Yeah, rollerblade guy, check me out. I'm dominating this nature trail with my sweet skate moves. Dude, your scooter is wack.
ANNA: Yeah, well, at least I haven't fallen on my tailbone seven times.
JED: Whoa! Oh, my coccyx!
ANNA: Eight times.
NARRATOR: Unbeknownst to them, the pair has rolled into the territory of the dreaded aggro walking toads.
[CROAKING]
Sensing danger, the scooter rider easily steps off her vehicle and shimmies up a tree to safety. Her rollerblading companion is not so lucky.
JED: Can't take these ridiculous boots off. Stupid plastic latch.
ANNA: Hurry, the toads have pitchforks.
NARRATOR: Alas, too late. A pack of toads carries away its victim. His fate is unknown. But since they're toads, it's sure to be yucky. The scooterer will roll safely onwards. She'll probably win the lottery, too.
JED: Well, that was fun. True story, too. Well, at least the part about scooters being superior to rollerblades.
CHILD: Amen.
JED: The first reason why scooters dominate? They give you freedom. There's nothing better than the feeling of racing along wind, whipping your hair back, wheels going da-dun, da-dun, da-dun. You're the boss of life. Actually, there's one thing that's better--
[TIRES SCREECH]
--being able to stop that ride, hop off and immediately walk around in regular shoes. With rollerblades, you got to bring extra kicks. Then once you take off your skates, what do you do with them? Carry them around? Store them somewhere? Nothing says fun less than advance planning. Scooters, you just jump on and ride. You're free. And it is that easy.
My kid started riding a scooter when he was two. Two! Whoa! How long did it take him to learn? About 20 seconds. With rollerblades, there's a learning curve. A painful one. Look, it's fine to try roller blading when you're a kid. It's less cute when you're an adult. You kind of get defined as the 44-year-old man on skates.
Rollerblade guy.
You don't have to change your identity to use a scooter. It conveniently unfolds into your life and makes things easier.
[PLEASANT SIGH]
Reason number two why scooters are better. Popularity. Last year, the global market for rollerblades was valued at a little over $4 billion. Pretty good. You know what it was for scooters? Over 70 billion.
Oh, my coccyx.
Scooters sell because of their convenience. You can use them to get to school or work without showing up all sweaty, bleeding, silly looking.
[PANTING]
I just need four minutes to take off my blades, boss.
ANNA: You're fired.
JED: Plus, there are even electric scooters that are super fast and require no effort. In fact, there are giant businesses that have formed around e-scooters because people are actually willing to pay to use them each time they ride. There's no such thing as e-rollerblade rideshares. I mean, you probably couldn't even pay most people to strap those to your feet.
ANNA: Nope!
JED: And the third and final reason scooters are better? Simplicity. What is mankind's greatest invention?
TIGER: The internet?
JED: No.
ANNA: Perforated toilet paper?
JED: Close. The wheel.
EVERYONE: Ahhh.
JED: Bingo. The wheel is the pinnacle of human ingenuity, and the scooter is a celebration of it. Just two wheels, something you can stand on and handlebars. That's all it takes to ride around on our greatest accomplishment. Rollerblades are like the fever dream of someone who doesn't understand how wheels work.
Uhhh, I know. I'll put four wheels on. Doesn't work? Well, how about another four on the other foot. Uh, still falling, huh?
Stop reinventing the wheel. You're just making it worse.
MEN: Whoa!
JED: So there you have it, folks. Freedom, popularity and simplicity. Three reasons that scooters are supreme. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go rescue some rollerblading fool from toads on my scooter, of course.
NARRATOR: And with that, Jed rides off magnificently, having utterly crushed rollerblades, a.k.a. oafs loafers. Thank you, hero.
JED: You're welcome!
ANNA: Wow, and who knew toads could talk? Now, Tiger, what stood out to you about Jed's declaration of greatness?
TIGER: Wow, that was great. On my notes, I wrote 4B less than 70B and wheels going, da-dun, da-dun, da-dun.
ANNA: Mmm.
TIGER: Also, I thought it was really interesting how-- because I never really thought about it before. There is an e-scooter share but no e-rollerblade share.
ANNA: Ohh.
JED: Mm-hmm.
ANNA: Good point.
JED: Andrew is da-dun, da-dun, da-dun.
ANNA: OK, Andrew, it's time for your rebuttal. Tell us why we shouldn't consort with the transport known as scooters. You've got 30 seconds. And your time starts now.
ANDREW: Wow, Jed, I just want to say I feel extremely personally attacked. I mean, you went low. I have to tell you, you said it's all about freedom. It's all about popularity. I'm not concerned about being popular. I'm concerned about expressing myself truly and honestly.
Guess what? Your child learned to ride a scooter when they were two. I've been rollerblading since I was one, sir. One years old.
[LAUGHTER]
I think that-- and da-dun, da-dun, da-dun--
ANNA: And time.
ANDREW: Da-dun.
[LAUGHTER]
ANNA: Good save.
JED: Were you complaining about freedom? Freedom? You hate our freedom.
ANDREW: I hate freedom.
ANNA: And there it is. And there it is. The truth comes out. OK, it's your turn, Andrew. Tell us why rollerblades are the finest footwear.
ANDREW: Hi, I'm Andrew from the past. I'm 25 years young, and the world is my oyster. And I'm on my way to an improv show in Manhattan, (SINGING) New York, concrete jungle for me to play in.
Sure, I could take the subway. I could hop in an expensive cab.
[CAB HONKS]
I could walk and walk and walk and walk or I could rollerblade!
[ROCK & ROLL MUSIC]
Check out my blades. They're my favorite pair of hot pink light speeds. And, of course, I never leave home without my vintage fanny pack and striped sweatband. After the improv show, I'm headed to my friend's rooftop party and then an underground diner, then an after hours puppy rave. And then who knows what after that. This is the city that never sleeps, and I'm a boy who will never age.
I love my rollerblades! I love my life! Wow, those were the days. The wind in my hair, arms swinging, adventure around every corner, and those incredible hot pink rollerblades. I got those cuties saving up my babysitting money.
I used to roller blade from the tip top of Harlem all the way to downtown Manhattan, almost 10 miles without a care in the world. You could feel the fun I was having blading around New York City, right? But rollerblades are also functional, and they came from Minnesota just like this podcast.
MOLLY: Smash Boom Best.
ANDREW: Now, to be clear, rollerblades are technically a type of inline skate. Those are skates where the wheels are in a single row instead of two rows like a roller skate. What we know today as rollerblades were developed in 1980 by two brothers named Scott and Brennan Olson. They were hockey players who wanted to practice during the warmer months when there wasn't ice to skate on.
[BILL HILLY MUSIC]
SCOTT: Hey, Brennan.
BRENNAN: Hey there, Scott.
SCOTT: Sure is hot out.
BRENNAN: It is hot, Scott, too hot for hockey.
SCOTT: I feel like the ice probably melted, yeah?
BRENNAN: Yeah, probably.
SCOTT: Well, I did find these things.
BRENNAN: Oh, are those an old pair of inline skates?
SCOTT: Yeah, Brennan. I was thinking. How's about we add a brake and make better wheels, yeah?
BRENNAN: Yeah.
ANDREW: They called them roller blades.
[CHOIR VOCALIZING]
And they helped bring blading to the masses.
SCOTT: That's nice.
BRENNAN: Oh, yeah. Real neat.
ANDREW: Besides feeling like you're skating on ice, roller blades are incredible for your body. They have all the benefits of going for a run, but instead of pounding the pavement, you glide down the road like a graceful gust of wind. Roller blades can help improve your balance and keep your bones strong and healthy.
Blading gives you the opportunity to enjoy nature and fresh air, and you can roller blade side by side with a bestie and have a meaningful conversation. Right, little bird?
BIRD: Tweet tweet. Sweet blades, Andrew.
ANDREW: Ah. Well, thank you, bird.
BIRD: Tweet tweet. You're a winner.
ANDREW: Finally, and this is a big one, rollerblading makes you feel like a real life superhero. Think about it. You glide. You pivot. You brake. Plus you have the speed and reflexes that you would never have on two feet. The adrenaline rush you feel when you're going downhill is the feeling dreams are made of. It's the closest to flying that will ever feel. You're capable, powerful, speedy and tall.
I mean, you're going to feel really, really tall since rollerblades can add like 4 inches to your height. When you put on a pair of rollerblades, you're not just borrowing a form of transportation, you are the transportation. Scooters are just an accessory. But rollerblades are you. They are literally an extension of your legs! They're fashionable, versatile, super powered and awesome, just like you.
ANNA: A musical and colorful argument. Tiger, what did you think about Andrew's declaration of greatness?
TIGER: Yeah, I thought the origin story of rollerblades was really interesting. I never thought-- it never occurred to me to think, huh, I wonder how rollerblades were invented. But the whole not being able to do hockey in the summer things, they invented rollerblades. I mean, that really makes sense. I also wrote hot pink rollerblades, stripey headband, fanny pack, question mark?
ANNA: I mean, is that not a true story?
ANDREW: Yeah, that was-- so you're saying you're curious to hear more. You're wondering. You're inspired. You shall not pass! That's the Lord of the Rings reference.
TIGER: Yeah, I got that. I got that.
[LAUGHTER]
[SINGS "THE IMPERIAL MARCH"]
[SINGS "THE GOLDEN GIRLS" THEME SONG]
ANNA: OK.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, Jed, it's time for your rebuttal. Tell us why rollerblades are wheely boring, and your time starts now.
JED: Andrew, hot pink roller blades, they did not age well. And it's not the color that's the problem. It's roller blades. They're for kids. When I was a child, I thought like a child. I spoke like a child. I wore rollerblades like a child until the day that I fell and broke my butt, and I was still a child. But I said, nuts to this. I'm switching to scooters. Scooters are the choice for the responsible, mature human beings.
ANNA: And time.
ANDREW: Wow, wow. This all comes back to trauma about a tailbone for you.
JED: Lasting damage.
ANDREW: Yes.
JED: Lasting damage.
ANDREW: I just want to make sure, Tiger. You understand-- I mean, think about taekwondo for a minute. There's a mind and body connection that you have to balance.
JED: My body told my mind that roller blades were a mistake.
[LAUGHTER]
ANNA: All right, Tiger, give one point to the Declaration of Greatness you liked best and one point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team's jokes make you laugh? Was another team's argument unbeatable? Did someone's broken butt scare you? Award your point but don't tell us who's getting those points. Have you made your decision?
TIGER: Yeah, I think I have.
ANNA: Excellent. Andrew and Jed, how are you two feeling so far?
JED: A lot better than when I was in fourth grade when I broke my butt.
ANDREW: Yeah, I'm-- I'm feeling-- I'm feeling really excited to be having this conversation. I think the country needs to be talking about rollerblades and scooters more. And it's to have this open forum right now is incredible and just to know Tiger is a joy as well. So this is-- I'm having a ball.
ANNA: Great. Well, it's time for a quick break. Take off those helmets and air out your knee pads.
TIGER: And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.
MOLLY: You're listening to State of Debate, home to rage and rhetoric and awe inspiring argumentation.
TODD: What is up, my debate dogs? Todd Douglas here with the indomitable Taylor Lincoln.
TAYLOR: Hey there, Todd. Always great to see you in this house of debate.
DOUG: Say, Taylor, what's worse than being stuck with a squeaky cart at the grocery store?
TAYLOR: Ugh. No idea. That is terrible.
DOUG: A squeaky cart and a logical fallacy.
TAYLOR: Ugh, fallacies are debate mistakes that make your argument weak.
DOUG: And I heard a real humdinger the other day. The correlation equals causation fallacy.
TAYLOR: Yikes, the one that says because one thing happens and totally unrelated thing also happens?
DOUG: Yeah, I'm afraid so. Take a listen.
[FILM ROLLING]
[DING]
WOMAN (ON INTERCOM): Can I get a price check for half a pound of gummy worms?
CLOD: Ew, Bart. What's that smell? [SNIFFS] It's your hat. It smells like vinegar. Put it away.
BART: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there, Clod. You can't mess with my hat. Every time I wear this hat to the grocery store, I save money.
CLOD: But why does it stink?
BART: Because if I wash it, my savings will disappear.
CLOD: How is that even possible, Bart?
BART: You got me. All I know is that when I look at my receipt, it shows that I've saved money. And I have always been wearing this unwashed hat. Hasn't failed me for 6 and 1/2 years.
[DING]
WOMAN (ON INTERCOM): Clean up on aisle, Bart.
[BUZZER]
TAYLOR: Peugh, that argument is a complete stinker. There's no logic to it at all.
DOUG: That hat has nothing whatsoever to do with saving money. Items at the grocery store are always going on sale. The fact that Bart wears the hat and the fact that he saves money are completely unrelated.
TAYLOR: Classic example of thinking two things that happened together, a correlation, if you will, happened because one causes the other.
DOUG: The only reason Bart might want to hang on to that hat is so that people clear a path for him to check out faster.
TAYLOR: OK, Todd, time for us to check out. We'll see you next time on State of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ARON: Brains On! universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. Since you're a fan of Smash Boom Best, we know you'll love the other shows in our universe. Come on, let's explore.
MARTIAN: Here we are in Brains On! universe. Home to my favorite podcasts. Brains, I don't know. Smash Boom Best, Forever Ago. I found one. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, Brains On!. Brains On!, a science podcast for kids and families.
FEMALE HOST: Let's start with our pal, the sun.
SUN: Did somebody call their favorite star? It's me, the sun. The sun is made up of very, very hot--
[BEEP]
MARTIAN: What a great show. Need more Brains On! Now.
ARON: Listen to Brains On! wherever you get your podcasts.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Smash, smash, boom, best
ANNA: You're listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host Anna Weggel.
TIGER: And I'm your judge Tiger.
ANNA: And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Take a listen to this transporting debate idea from Ethan.
ETHAN: My name is Ethan and I'm Brisbane Queensland, Australia. My debate idea is monster trucks versus cars.
TIGER: Now that's a debate I'll never tire of.
ANNA: We'll check back in at the end of this episode to see which side Ethan think should win.
TIGER: Now it's back to our debate. Rollerblades versus scooters.
ANNA: That's right. And it's time for round two, The Micro Round. For The Micro Round challenge, each team has prepared a creative response to a prompt they received in advance. For Jed and Andrew, the prompt was sweet ride. In this challenge, each sides got a clunker on their hands and it's time to fix it up. We want to know how they're going to turn their side into the hottest ride in town. Jed went first last time. So, Andrew, you're up. Tell us about your rad rollerblades.
ANDREW: Howdy and hello to my 82 million subscribers. It's me, Andrew, your (SINGS) Thrifty King, back with another soon to be viral video where I turn junk from the thrift store into gold.
(SINGING) Thrifty King!
ANDREW: Today, we're sprucing up these vintage rollerblades. OK, these guys have clearly seen better days, but underneath this thick layer of dirt, there's a pair of rollerblades ready to glow up. I'm talking rhinestones, new wheels, and a splash of fantastic.
(SINGING) Thrifty King!
ANDREW: First, let's give these blades a scrub using my bedazzled bucket of soapy water. Scrubbing, scrubbing, there as clean as they were in 1992. I could cry if it weren't time to bedazzle. Fire up the glue guns! Glow, glimmer, shine. Look, pink and teal rhinestones covering every inch of my beautiful roller blades. Wow, I am on the verge of tears. Better push these emotions down and install my brand new glow in the dark wheels.
[MECHANICAL NOISES]
[WHIMSICAL NOTES]
They're beautiful. I feel a swell of emotions bubbling in my belly. Forgive me, but I'm going to weep is what I would say if it weren't time to reveal my final blade upgrade.
(SINGING) Thrifty King!
[ROBOTIC WHIRRING]
AI: Download complete.
ANDREW: Perfect timing, artificial intelligence that I programmed into my vintage roller blades. Behold, AI-powered roller blades to give me directions, organize my schedule and, yes, write college level essays for me. Plus, they're covered in rhinestones!
[SOBS]
I-- I'm sorry. I think I'm going to--
AI: Releasing overwhelming emotions has many mental health benefits, Andrew. Please feel free to cry.
ANDREW: Bro!
[WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY]
Wow, this does feel good. Best roller blades ever. Thank you all for tuning in to another video with me, the thrifty king.
AI: Like, comment, and subscribe.
ANDREW: Yes! Do that.
(SINGING) Thrifty King!
ANNA: So emotional. Jed, now it's your turn. Show us a shiny new scooter that everyone will envy.
BOYS: Hi, Mr. Scooterrific.
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: Welcome to my workshop of wonders. I am here to improve your scooters in any way you'd like. Just tell me what your heart desires.
BOY 1: I want my scooter to fly.
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: Scoot-tastic. With a nice flat platform, it'll be a breeze to install a jet engine under the board.
[DRILLING]
BOY 1: I want a laser sword on my scooter.
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: Scoot me. That's possibly unsafe, but we could still fit one in the handlebar.
BOY 2: Mr. Scooterrific, can I have another wheel on mine?
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: Why, scoo-diddly do. I don't see why not. After all, scooters with three wheels already exist. They're more stable.
BOY 2: Then can I have four wheels?
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: What? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! How dare you ask me to create such an abomination? Why, you might as well ask me to make you a disgusting rollerblade. Take your scooters and be gone from here and never return. Agh! Kids these days and their--
BOY 3: To go, Michael.
BOY 1: Yeah, Michael.
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: I'm an artist. Why do they not--
JED: That took a turn. He's got a point, though. I mean, rollerblades are terrible.
[LAUGHS]
ANNA: OK so, Tiger, what did you like about Jed and Thrifty King's micro round?
TIGER: Wow. Thrifty King's? 82 million subs is pretty impressive. Also, I wrote backup singers? That can be a good thing. And then for Jed's, I put, can flying scooters actually exist? And never ask him for four wheels, twist villain.
[LAUGHTER]
JED: That, Mr. Scooterrific, he's got some real issues.
ANNA: OK, it's time to award a point, but don't tell us who you're voting for. Have you made your decision?
TIGER: I have.
ANNA: Fantastic. Then it's time for our third round, The Super Stealthy--
MEN: Ha-ha, hoo-ha!
ANNA: --Sneak Attack. This is our improvised round where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's Sneak Attack is called raptor attack. Andrew and Jed, you're on the run from a ferocious Velociraptor. Ah! How would your side defend against a raptor? Would you use smarts, strength, diplomacy? It's up to you to tell us. So Andrew went first last time. Jed, you're up. What would your side do when someone yells, run for your life! There's a raptor behind you!
JED: Well, that would just be the simple matter of jumping on my unfoldable scooter, cruising down till I get a nice distance between me and the fearsome carnivorous beast. But would-- would I try to escape? I could because I'm so fast. But no, what I would do was I would use that time to take that heavy chunk of metal that I was standing on and just prepare myself to swing and blast that thing into outer space. Have you ever been hit by one of these things? It hurts so much.
ANNA: Have you?
JED: No. Scooters are wonderful. They would never hurt you.
ANDREW: A-ha.
JED: But dinosaurs, though.
[CLEARS THROATS]
ANNA: OK, Andrew, now it's your turn. How would team rollerblades repel a raptor?
ANDREW: Well, yes, I hear the voice of a little girl. She said, help me, please! There's a dinosaur! I look back and it's true. Luckily, I am on my rollerblades so I can scoop her up and I can say, don't worry, sweetheart. We are going to escape this. And I am--
JED: (LITTLE GIRL VOICE) Thank you, Mr. Andrew.
ANDREW: No problem. I'm running. I'm running. I'm running. And by running, it feels like I'm running but I'm gliding with so much gusto. And then I realize, wait a minute. Turn around, Andrew, because maybe this is a chance to change things. I stare straight into--
JED: (LITTLE GIRL VOICE) What are you doing, Mr. Andrew?
ANDREW: Just believe in me, young child. I turn and look at the velociraptor and I say, what's your favorite color? And he responds, pink! I showed him my pink rollerblades. A tear drops down from his eyes, and from that day forward, the community of dinosaurs and humans was changed forever. We live in peace. And that little girl was me.
[GASPS]
[LAUGHTER]
JED: Twist.
ANNA: I like how you two became an actual improv team there for a second. Truly collaborative.
JED: Yes.
ANDREW: Dungeon master, did that spark anything inside of you?
TIGER: Yes.
ANNA: Tiger, think about which side impressed you the most in a word, your fourth point but don't tell us who you're giving it to. This is tough. Have you made your decision?
TIGER: Um, yeah.
ANNA: Perfect. Then it's time for our final round. The Final Six. In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Andrew, let's hear your six words for team rollerblades.
ANDREW: Release, tailbone, trauma, sweetheart. Go, rollerblades!
ANNA: Wow, that was a journey. OK, Jed, it's your turn. Give us six words for scooters.
JED: Scooters 2024. Let's get to work.
ANNA: Ooh, political. I know this is tough. Tiger, award one point to the Final Six you liked better. Have you made your decision?
TIGER: Definitely.
ANNA: Now, are you ready to crown one team the Smash Boom Best?
TIGER: Yeah, I think I am.
ANNA: Drumroll, please. And the winner is scooters.
[SCREAMING]
ANDREW: Stop! Stop!
[LAUGHTER]
Please, stop.
ANNA: Wow. [LAUGHS]
JED: Wow.
ANNA: A lot of screaming. A lot of noise.
ANDREW: Well, before-- before the winner takes this, he sort of says his final words, I just want to quickly say, oh gosh. I want to say, Tiger, I believe that you will do great things in this world. And I know that you won't be wearing rollerblades as you do them. But nonetheless, I can't wait to see all you do.
ANNA: So, Tiger, was there a moment that decided things for you?
TIGER: Scooters rebuttal. That kind of just-- I really liked it.
ANNA: What happened in that rebuttal that really had you?
TIGER: The thing about him having PTSD from rollerblades when he fell off of them, that-- that-- I don't know.
JED: Struck a chord.
TIGER: --connection I get, yes.
ANNA: Yeah.
JED: Andrew, I got to say that was amazing. Every-- the writing, the performance, the production values. And may I say, this is the first time I've been able to go face to face with an opponent in a long time, and you smell so nice.
ANDREW: Really? This is--
JED: It's really a pleasure.
ANDREW: Thank you. OK, That is so nice. And I was hoping that he was going to mention how I smelled. That is what I was really hoping for. Jed, I appreciate so much about you. I appreciated that how cutthroat you were able to get. Jed, you weren't afraid of it. I love a debate that is fierce, and you went there. We were-- I mean, we were so nice to each other before the debate started, and we're nice now. But, man, the tension in the room could be felt and that was thrilling.
JED: You didn't like the threats that I was writing--
ANDREW: That he's been writing, yes. Uh, it was OK.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNA: That's it for today's debate battle. Tiger crowned scooters the Smash Boom Best. But what about you?
TIGER: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
ANNA: Smash Boom Best is brought to you by Brains On! And APM Studios. It's produced by me, Anna Weggel.
MOLLY: Molly Bloom.
ANNA: And--
ARON: Aron Woldeslassie.
ANNA: We had engineering help from Josh Savageau, Gary O'Keefe, and Johnny Edward with sound design by Aron Woldeslassie. Our editors are
SHAHLA: Shahla Farzan.
ANNA: And--
SANDEN: Sanden Totten.
ANNA: And we had production help from the rest of the Brains On! universe team.
ROSIE: Rosie DuPont.
RACHEL: Rachel Brees.
ANNA: Anna Goldfield.
NICO: Nico Gonzalez Wisler.
RUBY: Ruby Guthrie.
LAUREN: Lauren Humbert.
JESS: Jess Miller.
JOSHUA: Joshua Ray.
MARC: Marc Sanchez.
ANNA: And--
CHARLOTTE: Charlotte Traver.
ANNA: Our executive producer is Beth Perlman and the APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati and Joanne Griffith. Our announcer is Marley Feuerwerker-Otto. And we want to give a special thanks to Austin Cross and Taylor Kaufman. Jed, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout out to today?
JED: Yes. Sarah Leibovitz, Dave Plysky, Patty Hirsch, Kyle Stokes, Mr. Scooterrific himself, Megan Hazel, and the whole Smash Boom Best team.
ANNA: Awww. And how about you, Andrew? Any special shoutouts?
ANDREW: Oh, yes. I would like to shout out Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and the entire Smash Boom Best team.
ANNA: Did you know that is not the first time he has been shouted out this season?
ANDREW: Are you kidding? That's amazing.
ANNA: Is he a sponsor of the show and I don't know that? Oh, my goodness. OK, Tiger, what about you? Do you want to give out any special thanks today?
TIGER: Oh, yeah, my parents for doing cool stuff like driving me here, my teachers for introducing me to this podcast. The entire Smash Boom Best community and Gandalf. You shall not pass.
JED: Pass.
ANNA: Before we go, let's check in and see who Ethan thinks should win the monster truck versus cars debate.
ETHAN: I think monster trucks would win because they can do cool stunts.
ANNA: If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge, or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock down drag out debate, head to smashboom.org/contact and drop us a line. And make sure to subscribe to Brainstorm Universe on YouTube where you can watch animated versions of some of your favorite episodes.
We'll be back with an extra special Smash Boom Best debate battle next week. It's a Halloween candy throwdown.
TIGER: Ta-ta.
ANNA: Bye.
JED: Arrivederci.
ANDREW: (SINGING) Thank you for being a friend.
[THEME MUSIC]
Ahhh, I'm the smash boom best
Ahhh, but you burn the test
Ahhh, I'm the smash boom best
Ahhh, better than the rest
It's a smash boom best
It's a smash boom best
JED: Rollerblades will give you another buttcrack. No, I've got another one.
[LAUGHTER]
ANNA: The show for people with big opinions. Hi, I'm Anna Weggel filling in for Molly Bloom, and this is Smash Boom Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's debate needs a helmet, knee pads, and so much balance. Things are about to get gnarly and certainly cooler because it's rollerblades versus scooters. We've got journalist and podcaster Jed Kim ready to roll for team scooters.
JED: Scooters rule. What else would you call your dog, your horse or your grandpa?
ANNA: And singer, writer and comedian Andrew Barbato is going to slide through the competition for team rollerblades.
ANDREW: Woo hoo! Let's roll out the facts and see who's got a smoother ride. [CLEARS THROAT] Rollerblades.
[LAUGHS]
ANNA: And here to judge it all is Tiger from Rochester, New York. Tiger has a third degree black belt in taekwondo. And when he isn't playing trumpet, you can find him playing Dungeons and Dragons. Hi, Tiger.
TIGER: What up, Smash Boom Best.
ANNA: So, Tiger, what do you like to do in Dungeons and Dragons?
TIGER: Well, I'm a dungeon master for almost every single campaign I've done. And the different things we do vary greatly depending on my team and what they want and what they think is best.
ANNA: And what do you think makes a really good dungeon master?
TIGER: Be able to catch your team off guard. And if you do something and you thought it was a great twist, but they completely expected it, well, that's not good. You want to constantly keep surprising them.
ANNA: And we also heard that you play trumpet. So what are your favorite trumpet songs to play?
TIGER: Anything Lord of the Rings.
ANNA: Ooh, like the score?
TIGER: Yeah.
ANNA: How does that go again?
JED: Doesn't it go-- (SINGING) Dun, dun, dun, dun, da dun--
TIGER: You're thinking of Star Wars.
ANDREW: Star Wars.
ANNA: No, I think it goes-- I think it goes-- doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo--
TIGER: That's Jurassic Park. That's Jurassic Park.
ANNA: Oh, right.
ANDREW: Oh, I know what it goes like. I know what it goes like. It goes-- (SINGING) doo doo doo doo doo doo--
TIGER: That's Harry Potter.
JED: Yeah, that's it.
TIGER: That's Harry Potter.
ANNA: No, I think-- sorry, I think it goes. (SINGING) Thank you for being a friend--
JED: Being a friend.
[LAUGHTER]
ANNA: Yeah.
ANDREW: That's the Golden Girls.
ANNA: Yeah, oh, got it. OK, when we figure it out. Now, do you have any advice for our debaters today?
TIGER: I mean, just be funny, be yourself, and I will take any movie references I can get.
ANNA: Ooh.
JED: Oh. OK.
ANNA: Hot tip from Tiger.
ANDREW: Switching up my game plan, yes. Be funny and be myself.
ANNA: Oh.
ANDREW: I don't think I can be both.
ANNA: Choose one. All right. Will Tiger side with Jed or Andrew? Only time will tell. But first, let's review the rules of the game. Every debate consists of four rounds, the Declaration of Greatness, the Micro Round, the Sneak Attack, and the Final Six.
After each round, our judge Tiger will award points to the team that impresses him the most, but he'll keep his decisions top secret until the end of the debate. Listeners, we want you to judge too. Mark down your points as you listen. And at the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org and vote for whichever team you think won. OK, Jed, Andrew, and Tiger, are you ready?
TIGER: Yeah.
ANDREW: Oh, yeah.
JED: Are you ready for this, Andrew?
ANDREW: I could not be more ready for this.
JED: I believe in you. You're going to lose. But I believe in you.
ANNA: Then it's time for the--
MOLLY: Declaration of Greatness.
ANNA: In this round, our debaters will present a well crafted immersive argument in favor of their side. They'll each have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. We flipped a coin and, Jed, you're up first. Tell us why scooters are the ride that can't be denied?
NARRATOR: Today, on nonsensical nature, we find ourselves deep in the sweltering swamps of Switzerland. Weaving amid the towering palm trees are two humans on wheels.
JED: Yeah, rollerblade guy, check me out. I'm dominating this nature trail with my sweet skate moves. Dude, your scooter is wack.
ANNA: Yeah, well, at least I haven't fallen on my tailbone seven times.
JED: Whoa! Oh, my coccyx!
ANNA: Eight times.
NARRATOR: Unbeknownst to them, the pair has rolled into the territory of the dreaded aggro walking toads.
[CROAKING]
Sensing danger, the scooter rider easily steps off her vehicle and shimmies up a tree to safety. Her rollerblading companion is not so lucky.
JED: Can't take these ridiculous boots off. Stupid plastic latch.
ANNA: Hurry, the toads have pitchforks.
NARRATOR: Alas, too late. A pack of toads carries away its victim. His fate is unknown. But since they're toads, it's sure to be yucky. The scooterer will roll safely onwards. She'll probably win the lottery, too.
JED: Well, that was fun. True story, too. Well, at least the part about scooters being superior to rollerblades.
CHILD: Amen.
JED: The first reason why scooters dominate? They give you freedom. There's nothing better than the feeling of racing along wind, whipping your hair back, wheels going da-dun, da-dun, da-dun. You're the boss of life. Actually, there's one thing that's better--
[TIRES SCREECH]
--being able to stop that ride, hop off and immediately walk around in regular shoes. With rollerblades, you got to bring extra kicks. Then once you take off your skates, what do you do with them? Carry them around? Store them somewhere? Nothing says fun less than advance planning. Scooters, you just jump on and ride. You're free. And it is that easy.
My kid started riding a scooter when he was two. Two! Whoa! How long did it take him to learn? About 20 seconds. With rollerblades, there's a learning curve. A painful one. Look, it's fine to try roller blading when you're a kid. It's less cute when you're an adult. You kind of get defined as the 44-year-old man on skates.
Rollerblade guy.
You don't have to change your identity to use a scooter. It conveniently unfolds into your life and makes things easier.
[PLEASANT SIGH]
Reason number two why scooters are better. Popularity. Last year, the global market for rollerblades was valued at a little over $4 billion. Pretty good. You know what it was for scooters? Over 70 billion.
Oh, my coccyx.
Scooters sell because of their convenience. You can use them to get to school or work without showing up all sweaty, bleeding, silly looking.
[PANTING]
I just need four minutes to take off my blades, boss.
ANNA: You're fired.
JED: Plus, there are even electric scooters that are super fast and require no effort. In fact, there are giant businesses that have formed around e-scooters because people are actually willing to pay to use them each time they ride. There's no such thing as e-rollerblade rideshares. I mean, you probably couldn't even pay most people to strap those to your feet.
ANNA: Nope!
JED: And the third and final reason scooters are better? Simplicity. What is mankind's greatest invention?
TIGER: The internet?
JED: No.
ANNA: Perforated toilet paper?
JED: Close. The wheel.
EVERYONE: Ahhh.
JED: Bingo. The wheel is the pinnacle of human ingenuity, and the scooter is a celebration of it. Just two wheels, something you can stand on and handlebars. That's all it takes to ride around on our greatest accomplishment. Rollerblades are like the fever dream of someone who doesn't understand how wheels work.
Uhhh, I know. I'll put four wheels on. Doesn't work? Well, how about another four on the other foot. Uh, still falling, huh?
Stop reinventing the wheel. You're just making it worse.
MEN: Whoa!
JED: So there you have it, folks. Freedom, popularity and simplicity. Three reasons that scooters are supreme. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go rescue some rollerblading fool from toads on my scooter, of course.
NARRATOR: And with that, Jed rides off magnificently, having utterly crushed rollerblades, a.k.a. oafs loafers. Thank you, hero.
JED: You're welcome!
ANNA: Wow, and who knew toads could talk? Now, Tiger, what stood out to you about Jed's declaration of greatness?
TIGER: Wow, that was great. On my notes, I wrote 4B less than 70B and wheels going, da-dun, da-dun, da-dun.
ANNA: Mmm.
TIGER: Also, I thought it was really interesting how-- because I never really thought about it before. There is an e-scooter share but no e-rollerblade share.
ANNA: Ohh.
JED: Mm-hmm.
ANNA: Good point.
JED: Andrew is da-dun, da-dun, da-dun.
ANNA: OK, Andrew, it's time for your rebuttal. Tell us why we shouldn't consort with the transport known as scooters. You've got 30 seconds. And your time starts now.
ANDREW: Wow, Jed, I just want to say I feel extremely personally attacked. I mean, you went low. I have to tell you, you said it's all about freedom. It's all about popularity. I'm not concerned about being popular. I'm concerned about expressing myself truly and honestly.
Guess what? Your child learned to ride a scooter when they were two. I've been rollerblading since I was one, sir. One years old.
[LAUGHTER]
I think that-- and da-dun, da-dun, da-dun--
ANNA: And time.
ANDREW: Da-dun.
[LAUGHTER]
ANNA: Good save.
JED: Were you complaining about freedom? Freedom? You hate our freedom.
ANDREW: I hate freedom.
ANNA: And there it is. And there it is. The truth comes out. OK, it's your turn, Andrew. Tell us why rollerblades are the finest footwear.
ANDREW: Hi, I'm Andrew from the past. I'm 25 years young, and the world is my oyster. And I'm on my way to an improv show in Manhattan, (SINGING) New York, concrete jungle for me to play in.
Sure, I could take the subway. I could hop in an expensive cab.
[CAB HONKS]
I could walk and walk and walk and walk or I could rollerblade!
[ROCK & ROLL MUSIC]
Check out my blades. They're my favorite pair of hot pink light speeds. And, of course, I never leave home without my vintage fanny pack and striped sweatband. After the improv show, I'm headed to my friend's rooftop party and then an underground diner, then an after hours puppy rave. And then who knows what after that. This is the city that never sleeps, and I'm a boy who will never age.
I love my rollerblades! I love my life! Wow, those were the days. The wind in my hair, arms swinging, adventure around every corner, and those incredible hot pink rollerblades. I got those cuties saving up my babysitting money.
I used to roller blade from the tip top of Harlem all the way to downtown Manhattan, almost 10 miles without a care in the world. You could feel the fun I was having blading around New York City, right? But rollerblades are also functional, and they came from Minnesota just like this podcast.
MOLLY: Smash Boom Best.
ANDREW: Now, to be clear, rollerblades are technically a type of inline skate. Those are skates where the wheels are in a single row instead of two rows like a roller skate. What we know today as rollerblades were developed in 1980 by two brothers named Scott and Brennan Olson. They were hockey players who wanted to practice during the warmer months when there wasn't ice to skate on.
[BILL HILLY MUSIC]
SCOTT: Hey, Brennan.
BRENNAN: Hey there, Scott.
SCOTT: Sure is hot out.
BRENNAN: It is hot, Scott, too hot for hockey.
SCOTT: I feel like the ice probably melted, yeah?
BRENNAN: Yeah, probably.
SCOTT: Well, I did find these things.
BRENNAN: Oh, are those an old pair of inline skates?
SCOTT: Yeah, Brennan. I was thinking. How's about we add a brake and make better wheels, yeah?
BRENNAN: Yeah.
ANDREW: They called them roller blades.
[CHOIR VOCALIZING]
And they helped bring blading to the masses.
SCOTT: That's nice.
BRENNAN: Oh, yeah. Real neat.
ANDREW: Besides feeling like you're skating on ice, roller blades are incredible for your body. They have all the benefits of going for a run, but instead of pounding the pavement, you glide down the road like a graceful gust of wind. Roller blades can help improve your balance and keep your bones strong and healthy.
Blading gives you the opportunity to enjoy nature and fresh air, and you can roller blade side by side with a bestie and have a meaningful conversation. Right, little bird?
BIRD: Tweet tweet. Sweet blades, Andrew.
ANDREW: Ah. Well, thank you, bird.
BIRD: Tweet tweet. You're a winner.
ANDREW: Finally, and this is a big one, rollerblading makes you feel like a real life superhero. Think about it. You glide. You pivot. You brake. Plus you have the speed and reflexes that you would never have on two feet. The adrenaline rush you feel when you're going downhill is the feeling dreams are made of. It's the closest to flying that will ever feel. You're capable, powerful, speedy and tall.
I mean, you're going to feel really, really tall since rollerblades can add like 4 inches to your height. When you put on a pair of rollerblades, you're not just borrowing a form of transportation, you are the transportation. Scooters are just an accessory. But rollerblades are you. They are literally an extension of your legs! They're fashionable, versatile, super powered and awesome, just like you.
ANNA: A musical and colorful argument. Tiger, what did you think about Andrew's declaration of greatness?
TIGER: Yeah, I thought the origin story of rollerblades was really interesting. I never thought-- it never occurred to me to think, huh, I wonder how rollerblades were invented. But the whole not being able to do hockey in the summer things, they invented rollerblades. I mean, that really makes sense. I also wrote hot pink rollerblades, stripey headband, fanny pack, question mark?
ANNA: I mean, is that not a true story?
ANDREW: Yeah, that was-- so you're saying you're curious to hear more. You're wondering. You're inspired. You shall not pass! That's the Lord of the Rings reference.
TIGER: Yeah, I got that. I got that.
[LAUGHTER]
[SINGS "THE IMPERIAL MARCH"]
[SINGS "THE GOLDEN GIRLS" THEME SONG]
ANNA: OK.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, Jed, it's time for your rebuttal. Tell us why rollerblades are wheely boring, and your time starts now.
JED: Andrew, hot pink roller blades, they did not age well. And it's not the color that's the problem. It's roller blades. They're for kids. When I was a child, I thought like a child. I spoke like a child. I wore rollerblades like a child until the day that I fell and broke my butt, and I was still a child. But I said, nuts to this. I'm switching to scooters. Scooters are the choice for the responsible, mature human beings.
ANNA: And time.
ANDREW: Wow, wow. This all comes back to trauma about a tailbone for you.
JED: Lasting damage.
ANDREW: Yes.
JED: Lasting damage.
ANDREW: I just want to make sure, Tiger. You understand-- I mean, think about taekwondo for a minute. There's a mind and body connection that you have to balance.
JED: My body told my mind that roller blades were a mistake.
[LAUGHTER]
ANNA: All right, Tiger, give one point to the Declaration of Greatness you liked best and one point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team's jokes make you laugh? Was another team's argument unbeatable? Did someone's broken butt scare you? Award your point but don't tell us who's getting those points. Have you made your decision?
TIGER: Yeah, I think I have.
ANNA: Excellent. Andrew and Jed, how are you two feeling so far?
JED: A lot better than when I was in fourth grade when I broke my butt.
ANDREW: Yeah, I'm-- I'm feeling-- I'm feeling really excited to be having this conversation. I think the country needs to be talking about rollerblades and scooters more. And it's to have this open forum right now is incredible and just to know Tiger is a joy as well. So this is-- I'm having a ball.
ANNA: Great. Well, it's time for a quick break. Take off those helmets and air out your knee pads.
TIGER: And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.
MOLLY: You're listening to State of Debate, home to rage and rhetoric and awe inspiring argumentation.
TODD: What is up, my debate dogs? Todd Douglas here with the indomitable Taylor Lincoln.
TAYLOR: Hey there, Todd. Always great to see you in this house of debate.
DOUG: Say, Taylor, what's worse than being stuck with a squeaky cart at the grocery store?
TAYLOR: Ugh. No idea. That is terrible.
DOUG: A squeaky cart and a logical fallacy.
TAYLOR: Ugh, fallacies are debate mistakes that make your argument weak.
DOUG: And I heard a real humdinger the other day. The correlation equals causation fallacy.
TAYLOR: Yikes, the one that says because one thing happens and totally unrelated thing also happens?
DOUG: Yeah, I'm afraid so. Take a listen.
[FILM ROLLING]
[DING]
WOMAN (ON INTERCOM): Can I get a price check for half a pound of gummy worms?
CLOD: Ew, Bart. What's that smell? [SNIFFS] It's your hat. It smells like vinegar. Put it away.
BART: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there, Clod. You can't mess with my hat. Every time I wear this hat to the grocery store, I save money.
CLOD: But why does it stink?
BART: Because if I wash it, my savings will disappear.
CLOD: How is that even possible, Bart?
BART: You got me. All I know is that when I look at my receipt, it shows that I've saved money. And I have always been wearing this unwashed hat. Hasn't failed me for 6 and 1/2 years.
[DING]
WOMAN (ON INTERCOM): Clean up on aisle, Bart.
[BUZZER]
TAYLOR: Peugh, that argument is a complete stinker. There's no logic to it at all.
DOUG: That hat has nothing whatsoever to do with saving money. Items at the grocery store are always going on sale. The fact that Bart wears the hat and the fact that he saves money are completely unrelated.
TAYLOR: Classic example of thinking two things that happened together, a correlation, if you will, happened because one causes the other.
DOUG: The only reason Bart might want to hang on to that hat is so that people clear a path for him to check out faster.
TAYLOR: OK, Todd, time for us to check out. We'll see you next time on State of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ARON: Brains On! universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. Since you're a fan of Smash Boom Best, we know you'll love the other shows in our universe. Come on, let's explore.
MARTIAN: Here we are in Brains On! universe. Home to my favorite podcasts. Brains, I don't know. Smash Boom Best, Forever Ago. I found one. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, Brains On!. Brains On!, a science podcast for kids and families.
FEMALE HOST: Let's start with our pal, the sun.
SUN: Did somebody call their favorite star? It's me, the sun. The sun is made up of very, very hot--
[BEEP]
MARTIAN: What a great show. Need more Brains On! Now.
ARON: Listen to Brains On! wherever you get your podcasts.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Smash, smash, boom, best
ANNA: You're listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host Anna Weggel.
TIGER: And I'm your judge Tiger.
ANNA: And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Take a listen to this transporting debate idea from Ethan.
ETHAN: My name is Ethan and I'm Brisbane Queensland, Australia. My debate idea is monster trucks versus cars.
TIGER: Now that's a debate I'll never tire of.
ANNA: We'll check back in at the end of this episode to see which side Ethan think should win.
TIGER: Now it's back to our debate. Rollerblades versus scooters.
ANNA: That's right. And it's time for round two, The Micro Round. For The Micro Round challenge, each team has prepared a creative response to a prompt they received in advance. For Jed and Andrew, the prompt was sweet ride. In this challenge, each sides got a clunker on their hands and it's time to fix it up. We want to know how they're going to turn their side into the hottest ride in town. Jed went first last time. So, Andrew, you're up. Tell us about your rad rollerblades.
ANDREW: Howdy and hello to my 82 million subscribers. It's me, Andrew, your (SINGS) Thrifty King, back with another soon to be viral video where I turn junk from the thrift store into gold.
(SINGING) Thrifty King!
ANDREW: Today, we're sprucing up these vintage rollerblades. OK, these guys have clearly seen better days, but underneath this thick layer of dirt, there's a pair of rollerblades ready to glow up. I'm talking rhinestones, new wheels, and a splash of fantastic.
(SINGING) Thrifty King!
ANDREW: First, let's give these blades a scrub using my bedazzled bucket of soapy water. Scrubbing, scrubbing, there as clean as they were in 1992. I could cry if it weren't time to bedazzle. Fire up the glue guns! Glow, glimmer, shine. Look, pink and teal rhinestones covering every inch of my beautiful roller blades. Wow, I am on the verge of tears. Better push these emotions down and install my brand new glow in the dark wheels.
[MECHANICAL NOISES]
[WHIMSICAL NOTES]
They're beautiful. I feel a swell of emotions bubbling in my belly. Forgive me, but I'm going to weep is what I would say if it weren't time to reveal my final blade upgrade.
(SINGING) Thrifty King!
[ROBOTIC WHIRRING]
AI: Download complete.
ANDREW: Perfect timing, artificial intelligence that I programmed into my vintage roller blades. Behold, AI-powered roller blades to give me directions, organize my schedule and, yes, write college level essays for me. Plus, they're covered in rhinestones!
[SOBS]
I-- I'm sorry. I think I'm going to--
AI: Releasing overwhelming emotions has many mental health benefits, Andrew. Please feel free to cry.
ANDREW: Bro!
[WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY]
Wow, this does feel good. Best roller blades ever. Thank you all for tuning in to another video with me, the thrifty king.
AI: Like, comment, and subscribe.
ANDREW: Yes! Do that.
(SINGING) Thrifty King!
ANNA: So emotional. Jed, now it's your turn. Show us a shiny new scooter that everyone will envy.
BOYS: Hi, Mr. Scooterrific.
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: Welcome to my workshop of wonders. I am here to improve your scooters in any way you'd like. Just tell me what your heart desires.
BOY 1: I want my scooter to fly.
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: Scoot-tastic. With a nice flat platform, it'll be a breeze to install a jet engine under the board.
[DRILLING]
BOY 1: I want a laser sword on my scooter.
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: Scoot me. That's possibly unsafe, but we could still fit one in the handlebar.
BOY 2: Mr. Scooterrific, can I have another wheel on mine?
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: Why, scoo-diddly do. I don't see why not. After all, scooters with three wheels already exist. They're more stable.
BOY 2: Then can I have four wheels?
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: What? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! How dare you ask me to create such an abomination? Why, you might as well ask me to make you a disgusting rollerblade. Take your scooters and be gone from here and never return. Agh! Kids these days and their--
BOY 3: To go, Michael.
BOY 1: Yeah, Michael.
MR. SCOOTERRIFIC: I'm an artist. Why do they not--
JED: That took a turn. He's got a point, though. I mean, rollerblades are terrible.
[LAUGHS]
ANNA: OK so, Tiger, what did you like about Jed and Thrifty King's micro round?
TIGER: Wow. Thrifty King's? 82 million subs is pretty impressive. Also, I wrote backup singers? That can be a good thing. And then for Jed's, I put, can flying scooters actually exist? And never ask him for four wheels, twist villain.
[LAUGHTER]
JED: That, Mr. Scooterrific, he's got some real issues.
ANNA: OK, it's time to award a point, but don't tell us who you're voting for. Have you made your decision?
TIGER: I have.
ANNA: Fantastic. Then it's time for our third round, The Super Stealthy--
MEN: Ha-ha, hoo-ha!
ANNA: --Sneak Attack. This is our improvised round where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's Sneak Attack is called raptor attack. Andrew and Jed, you're on the run from a ferocious Velociraptor. Ah! How would your side defend against a raptor? Would you use smarts, strength, diplomacy? It's up to you to tell us. So Andrew went first last time. Jed, you're up. What would your side do when someone yells, run for your life! There's a raptor behind you!
JED: Well, that would just be the simple matter of jumping on my unfoldable scooter, cruising down till I get a nice distance between me and the fearsome carnivorous beast. But would-- would I try to escape? I could because I'm so fast. But no, what I would do was I would use that time to take that heavy chunk of metal that I was standing on and just prepare myself to swing and blast that thing into outer space. Have you ever been hit by one of these things? It hurts so much.
ANNA: Have you?
JED: No. Scooters are wonderful. They would never hurt you.
ANDREW: A-ha.
JED: But dinosaurs, though.
[CLEARS THROATS]
ANNA: OK, Andrew, now it's your turn. How would team rollerblades repel a raptor?
ANDREW: Well, yes, I hear the voice of a little girl. She said, help me, please! There's a dinosaur! I look back and it's true. Luckily, I am on my rollerblades so I can scoop her up and I can say, don't worry, sweetheart. We are going to escape this. And I am--
JED: (LITTLE GIRL VOICE) Thank you, Mr. Andrew.
ANDREW: No problem. I'm running. I'm running. I'm running. And by running, it feels like I'm running but I'm gliding with so much gusto. And then I realize, wait a minute. Turn around, Andrew, because maybe this is a chance to change things. I stare straight into--
JED: (LITTLE GIRL VOICE) What are you doing, Mr. Andrew?
ANDREW: Just believe in me, young child. I turn and look at the velociraptor and I say, what's your favorite color? And he responds, pink! I showed him my pink rollerblades. A tear drops down from his eyes, and from that day forward, the community of dinosaurs and humans was changed forever. We live in peace. And that little girl was me.
[GASPS]
[LAUGHTER]
JED: Twist.
ANNA: I like how you two became an actual improv team there for a second. Truly collaborative.
JED: Yes.
ANDREW: Dungeon master, did that spark anything inside of you?
TIGER: Yes.
ANNA: Tiger, think about which side impressed you the most in a word, your fourth point but don't tell us who you're giving it to. This is tough. Have you made your decision?
TIGER: Um, yeah.
ANNA: Perfect. Then it's time for our final round. The Final Six. In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Andrew, let's hear your six words for team rollerblades.
ANDREW: Release, tailbone, trauma, sweetheart. Go, rollerblades!
ANNA: Wow, that was a journey. OK, Jed, it's your turn. Give us six words for scooters.
JED: Scooters 2024. Let's get to work.
ANNA: Ooh, political. I know this is tough. Tiger, award one point to the Final Six you liked better. Have you made your decision?
TIGER: Definitely.
ANNA: Now, are you ready to crown one team the Smash Boom Best?
TIGER: Yeah, I think I am.
ANNA: Drumroll, please. And the winner is scooters.
[SCREAMING]
ANDREW: Stop! Stop!
[LAUGHTER]
Please, stop.
ANNA: Wow. [LAUGHS]
JED: Wow.
ANNA: A lot of screaming. A lot of noise.
ANDREW: Well, before-- before the winner takes this, he sort of says his final words, I just want to quickly say, oh gosh. I want to say, Tiger, I believe that you will do great things in this world. And I know that you won't be wearing rollerblades as you do them. But nonetheless, I can't wait to see all you do.
ANNA: So, Tiger, was there a moment that decided things for you?
TIGER: Scooters rebuttal. That kind of just-- I really liked it.
ANNA: What happened in that rebuttal that really had you?
TIGER: The thing about him having PTSD from rollerblades when he fell off of them, that-- that-- I don't know.
JED: Struck a chord.
TIGER: --connection I get, yes.
ANNA: Yeah.
JED: Andrew, I got to say that was amazing. Every-- the writing, the performance, the production values. And may I say, this is the first time I've been able to go face to face with an opponent in a long time, and you smell so nice.
ANDREW: Really? This is--
JED: It's really a pleasure.
ANDREW: Thank you. OK, That is so nice. And I was hoping that he was going to mention how I smelled. That is what I was really hoping for. Jed, I appreciate so much about you. I appreciated that how cutthroat you were able to get. Jed, you weren't afraid of it. I love a debate that is fierce, and you went there. We were-- I mean, we were so nice to each other before the debate started, and we're nice now. But, man, the tension in the room could be felt and that was thrilling.
JED: You didn't like the threats that I was writing--
ANDREW: That he's been writing, yes. Uh, it was OK.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNA: That's it for today's debate battle. Tiger crowned scooters the Smash Boom Best. But what about you?
TIGER: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
ANNA: Smash Boom Best is brought to you by Brains On! And APM Studios. It's produced by me, Anna Weggel.
MOLLY: Molly Bloom.
ANNA: And--
ARON: Aron Woldeslassie.
ANNA: We had engineering help from Josh Savageau, Gary O'Keefe, and Johnny Edward with sound design by Aron Woldeslassie. Our editors are
SHAHLA: Shahla Farzan.
ANNA: And--
SANDEN: Sanden Totten.
ANNA: And we had production help from the rest of the Brains On! universe team.
ROSIE: Rosie DuPont.
RACHEL: Rachel Brees.
ANNA: Anna Goldfield.
NICO: Nico Gonzalez Wisler.
RUBY: Ruby Guthrie.
LAUREN: Lauren Humbert.
JESS: Jess Miller.
JOSHUA: Joshua Ray.
MARC: Marc Sanchez.
ANNA: And--
CHARLOTTE: Charlotte Traver.
ANNA: Our executive producer is Beth Perlman and the APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati and Joanne Griffith. Our announcer is Marley Feuerwerker-Otto. And we want to give a special thanks to Austin Cross and Taylor Kaufman. Jed, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout out to today?
JED: Yes. Sarah Leibovitz, Dave Plysky, Patty Hirsch, Kyle Stokes, Mr. Scooterrific himself, Megan Hazel, and the whole Smash Boom Best team.
ANNA: Awww. And how about you, Andrew? Any special shoutouts?
ANDREW: Oh, yes. I would like to shout out Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and the entire Smash Boom Best team.
ANNA: Did you know that is not the first time he has been shouted out this season?
ANDREW: Are you kidding? That's amazing.
ANNA: Is he a sponsor of the show and I don't know that? Oh, my goodness. OK, Tiger, what about you? Do you want to give out any special thanks today?
TIGER: Oh, yeah, my parents for doing cool stuff like driving me here, my teachers for introducing me to this podcast. The entire Smash Boom Best community and Gandalf. You shall not pass.
JED: Pass.
ANNA: Before we go, let's check in and see who Ethan thinks should win the monster truck versus cars debate.
ETHAN: I think monster trucks would win because they can do cool stunts.
ANNA: If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge, or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock down drag out debate, head to smashboom.org/contact and drop us a line. And make sure to subscribe to Brainstorm Universe on YouTube where you can watch animated versions of some of your favorite episodes.
We'll be back with an extra special Smash Boom Best debate battle next week. It's a Halloween candy throwdown.
TIGER: Ta-ta.
ANNA: Bye.
JED: Arrivederci.
ANDREW: (SINGING) Thank you for being a friend.
[THEME MUSIC]
Ahhh, I'm the smash boom best
Ahhh, but you burn the test
Ahhh, I'm the smash boom best
Ahhh, better than the rest
It's a smash boom best
It's a smash boom best
JED: Rollerblades will give you another buttcrack. No, I've got another one.
[LAUGHTER]
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