Today’s debate is a showdown of natural wonder. It’s a beachy beauty vs. a fabulous frond. Polish up your camera and get ready to hear all about the magic of Seashells vs. Ferns! Listen as actor and podcaster Michael Stevens sings his praise for seashells while comedian and composer Justin LoBasso fawns over ferns. Who will be crowned the Smash Boom Best? Vote below for the team YOU think won!
Also… do you have your Smarty Pass yet? Get yours today for just $4/month (or $36/year) and get bonus episodes every month, and ad-free versions of every episode of Brains On, Smash Boom Best, Moment of Um and Forever Ago. Visit www.smartypass.org to get your Smarty Pass today. As an added bonus, your Smarty Pass will grant you access to a super special debate starring Sanden and Molly!
Audio Transcript
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NARRATOR: From the brains behind Brains On, it's Smash Boom Best.
HAYDEN: The show for people with big opinions.
MOLLY BLOOM: Hi, I'm Molly Bloom, and this is Smash Boom Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's debate is a showdown of natural wonder. It's a beachy beauty against a fabulous frond. It's seashells versus ferns.
We've got actor and podcaster, Michael Stevens, ready to sing his praises for Team Seashells.
MICHAEL STEVENS: It's great to be with you all for the shell-ebration today. I'm sure it's going to be a sand-sational time.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: And comedian and composer, Justin LoBasso, is here to fawn over Team Ferns.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: It's fern-tastic to be here. My feet are planted on the ground, and I am grounded. And I am ready to win.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: And here to judge it all is Hayden from Locust Grove, Virginia. Hayden loves to play piano, guitar, and ukulele, has four cats, and to this day, has never tried soup. Hi, Hayden.
[LAUGHTER]
HAYDEN: I'm glad to be here.
MOLLY BLOOM: So, what are the names of your four cats?
HAYDEN: Their names are Halibu, Houdini, Baby, and Goblin.
MOLLY BLOOM: Oh, I like those names.
[LAUGHTER]
Have you had those cats all for the same amount of time, or like, when did they come into your life?
HAYDEN: So Goblin, Baby and Houdini, we got eight years ago, about. And then Halibu, I just got last summer, so just under a year. And he is my son, and I love him.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, do you have any advice for our debaters today?
HAYDEN: I love some good-cited sources. In one of the first episodes, one person cited a source, which is a book, and I bought that book--
MOLLY BLOOM: What?
HAYDEN: --at the age of 11.
MOLLY BLOOM: Incredible. Was it a good book?
HAYDEN: I don't remember because I was 11.
MOLLY BLOOM: Yeah, it's a long time ago. It's fair.
HAYDEN: But it's still on my bookshelf. And maybe I'll give it a reread this summer.
MOLLY BLOOM: I love that. So, debaters, please present your bibliographies to Hayden at the end of the debate.
HAYDEN: Yes, and MLA citations--
MICHAEL STEVENS: MLAs, what--
HAYDEN: --format, please.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Perfect.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Over audio. [LAUGHS]
MICHAEL STEVENS: Got them all in alphabetical order.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: The bibliography?
MICHAEL STEVENS: Yes.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Yeah. [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, will Hayden side with Team Seashells or Team Ferns? Only time will tell. Before we dive in, let's review the rules of the game. Every debate consists of four rounds, the Declaration of Greatness, the Micro Round, the Sneak Attack, and the Final Six. After each round, our judge, Hayden, will award points to the team that impresses her the most, but she'll keep her decisions top secret until the end of the debate.
Listeners, we want you to judge, too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won. All right, Michael, Justin, and Hayden, are you ready?
MICHAEL STEVENS: I sure am.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Absolutely.
HAYDEN: I was born ready.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for the--
NARRATOR: Declaration of Greatness.
[FANFARE]
MOLLY BLOOM: In this round, our debaters will present a well-crafted, immersive argument in favor of their side. Then they'll each have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. We flipped a coin, and Michael, you're up first. Tell us what makes seashells so stupendous.
[LIVELY MUSIC]
SALLY SALVADOR: Oh, hi. Are you looking for a fun new way to bring the beauty of the natural world inside your home? Want to feel like you're at the beach while you're, you know, sitting on the toilet? Head on over to Sally Salvador's Seashell Shack, where we've got covered for all your seashell needs. Don't just take my word for it. [CHUCKLES] Just listen to these very, very real testimonials.
WOMAN: My bathroom used to be so boring, white towels, white toilet, white bathtub. Ugh. But now my bathroom is chock-full of stunning shells. I drink five cups of coffee a day just to look at those shells.
MAN: [GROANS] Me pirate-themed restaurant wasn't catching any eyes, so I sailed to Sally Salvador Seashell Shack. Now, sailors shower me shelly shanty with all their lunch money.
HERMIT CRAB: And I'm a hermit crab. Sally got me a new home.
SALLY SALVADOR: So come on down to Sally Salvador's Seashell Shack, where our only business is selling you the finest seashells by the seashore.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Everybody loves shells. They're incredible, indispensable, and super strong. Tons of sea creatures have shells, like clams, oysters, and snails. That's because they're great protection.
MAN: Aye, sea creatures be delicious. Now get ready to be sliced in two by my trusty sword, you tasty clam. [THUD] What the-- [THUD] Ah! Why won't my blade cut you in twine?
MICHAEL STEVENS: Well, your sword is made of wood. But also, seashells are really strong. They're made in a process called biomineralization.
MAN: Bio--what's it?
MICHAEL STEVENS: Biomineralization.
MAN: Bio-hoo-ha?
MICHAEL STEVENS: That's when creatures make their own shells by pulling minerals out of the water. These minerals then harden into the microscopic crystals that make seashells. They're super strong and can last a long time, too, even after the animal that lived inside is long gone.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
And that's not all, because of their strength, color, and massive variety, seashells have been used in lots of cool ways throughout history. Thousands of years ago, ancient people used shells as tools, like knives, hoes, and bowls. But shells aren't just useful tools, they're also valuable.
In the 14th century, tiny white shells called cowrie shells were used as money in Africa, Asia, and Europe. They were considered easier to use than gold because they were portable, strong, and difficult to counterfeit.
WOMAN: Hi, there. I'd like to buy a sandwich, these socks-- ooh, and some whale blubber.
VENDOR: All right. That'll be 12 shells.
WOMAN: Oh, 12 shells? Sorry, I only have cash.
VENDOR: Cash? What kind of a shell shield charlatan do you take me for? Come back when you have real money.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Shells don't just make good money. They also make great fertilizer, concrete, and even music. Don't take my word for it. Just listen to the tune from this gorgeous conch shell.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
With so many great ways to use shells, it's no wonder people love them so much. But there's another reason why humans have been obsessed with them for thousands of years. Shells are one of nature's greatest natural beauties. With their intricate patterns and colors, it totally makes sense why people use them for decoration.
And because of their amazing variety, shells can fit anyone's style.
SPEAKER 1: I prefer darkness, spikes, and edges.
MICHAEL STEVENS: There's a shell for that.
SPEAKER 2: I like ponies, pink posies, and pretty pansies.
MICHAEL STEVENS: There's a shell for that, too.
SPEAKER 3: I like staring at toilets, licking stamps, and yelling at the moon.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Cool. I'm sure there's a shell out there for you, too. Because with around 100,000 shell species to choose from, everyone can find a seashell that matches their unique style. That's why every time my partner and I take a trip to the beach, we collect a few shells to remind us of the fun we had. Plus our pet bird Clover loves to nibble seeds out of them, too.
[BIRD SQUEAKS]
So if you're looking for something that is super useful, matches your style, and is bird-approved, head to the nearest beach and grab a shell. And if you don't live near a beach--
SALLY SALVADOR: Head to Sally Salvador's Seashell Shack. I'll know If you don't. [GIGGLES]
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow, a stupendous argument there for shells. The whole family loves them. Hayden, what stood out to you about Michael's declaration of greatness?
HAYDEN: Oh my gosh, I love how he combined science and history and comedy. And I also feel called out because I have a beach-themed bathroom.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, it's a great place to stare at shells.
HAYDEN: Yeah, definitely. And on my notes, I just wrote bio-hoo-ha. It's very funny.
[LAUGHTER]
Great job.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Thank you very much.
MOLLY BLOOM: Very, very well done. All right, Justin, it is time for your rebuttal. Tell us why seashells are stinky. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Seashells are pretty? What if they break? If ferns break, they will grow another arm and are also great decorators. Ferns are life, but seashells are, you know, discarded from the little clams and everything. If you put a seashell in your bathroom, I mean, a clam could get in there. And that's really scary because you won't know that a clam's in there.
[LAUGHTER]
Seashells turn into sand. The worst part of going to the beach-- and they have those ridges. And if you sit on it, it'll leave marks on your butt. And that's not great either.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
[LAUGHTER]
Sneaky shells.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Mm-hmm.
MOLLY BLOOM: Leaving marks on your butt.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Very sneaky, leaving marks on your butt.
MOLLY BLOOM: Michael, anything you'd like to say in response to Justin?
MICHAEL STEVENS: Well, I'd like to keep clam cool and collected.
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLING]
MICHAEL STEVENS: But I have to say, when shells break, you can make boxes out of them. This is a very common practice. Can you clarify the point about clams getting into shells?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Well--
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
MICHAEL STEVENS: What are your sources?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: My sources? Let me cite my sources. It's me at 1:00 AM.
[LAUGHTER]
My mom always had a-- our bathroom was always beach-themed and everything. And I always thought as a kid, I'm like, not bugs, not squirrels or anything like that. But what if a clam, a mussel, a small pearl-giving creature were to find its way into the bathroom and just kind of hang out there? I'd never know, it's glued onto the wall. My source is anecdotal. A for anecdotal. I'm alphabetizing.
MICHAEL STEVENS: OK.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHING]
MICHAEL STEVENS: I just find that really, really funny. I also hail from a beach bathroom household.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Hmm.
MICHAEL STEVENS: And I have not been--
JUSTIN LOBASSO: So you get it?
MICHAEL STEVENS: No, I do not.
[LAUGHTER]
No, I do not.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. This is an excellent debate.
MICHAEL STEVENS: [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Justin, I know you've got some things to say.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Absolutely.
MOLLY BLOOM: More on your mind, so please tell us why ferns are so fabulous.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: The timing of this debate is perfect. I just got cast in the fern soap opera, As The World Ferns. I play Brad Fernley, a charismatic fern in love with Fernderella Bentley. Here's a clip.
[TAPE ROLLING]
FERNDERELLA: Oh, Brad, your fronds are so strong.
BRAD: Fernderella, you chloro-fill my heart with joy.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
FERNDERELLA: Who could that be?
DUSTY: It's me, Dusty McSpores.
BRAD: Gasp!
FERNDERELLA: Gasp! But I thought you were dead?
DUSTY: Huh, I just wanted you to think that. No, my leaves may have died, but us ferns can sprout back from our special underground stems called rhizomes. Now, come to me, my dar-leaf. [KISSES]
FERNDERELLA: But I'm with Brad Fernley now.
DUSTY: You are? Gasp!
BRAD: Double gasp! I mean, yeah, besides, you only want to marry Fernderella for her fern-heritance.
DUSTY: [SCOFFS] You're just green with envy because my looks are so plant-alizing.
BRAD: Oh, yeah? Try this on for photosynthesize.
BOTH: [GRUNTING]
DUSTY: [SCREAMS]
Whoa!
BRAD: [GRUNTING]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Ferns are some of the most dramatic plants out there. They have fabulous fronds, which are long leafy stems that look like plant feathers. Some ferns are the size of trees. Others, you could fit on the tip of your finger. Plus they can be different colors, from bright green to orange or even purple. All this makes them some of the best decorators out there.
MAN: Help! My forest is looking so drab. How can I add some oomph?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Try covering the forest floor with ferns. They grow all over, from lush rainforests to rocky mountains to hot deserts. They look great and help trap moisture at ground level so things don't get too dry.
But ferns aren't just for the ground. Some grow on other plants, like the bird's-nest fern. It grows high up on trees. And like its name, it looks like a nest that catches rainwater and leaves. This makes it a perfect home for little critters.
MAN: Wow, this forest went from drab to fab. Can ferns grow inside, too?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Are seashells just the abandoned homes of spineless creeps? [CHUCKLES] Of course. Ferns are amazing houseplants. In the 1970s and '80s, ferns were so popular they became the defining feature of hip bars and restaurants. They were called fern bars, and they'd have quirky antique lamps, dark wood, old signs on the walls, and of course, ferns. These fern bars were great date spots.
FRED: What a magical night. It might be all the wonderfully vibrant plant life talking, but I think I'm in love.
WOMAN: You're right. I feel it, too. I love you, Fern-- I mean, Fred. I love you, Fred, not Fern.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: In fact, there's a chance some of your grandparents met at a fern bar. They fell in love, had kids, one who became your parent, and then you were born. Wait, without ferns, would you even exist? Don't think too hard about it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
And if you want tough, look no further. Ferns are the ultimate survivors! They can get trampled, burned, and eaten and still bounce back. That's because ferns can regrow from their roots alone. Plus they reproduce using tiny little dust-like specks called spores. A spore will launch into the wind, and if it lands in some decent dirt, it'll sprout more ferns.
You just can't stop this leafy crop. That's why ferns survived the last mass extinction. Around 66 million years ago, a huge asteroid hit Earth--
[EXPLODING]
--wiping out most of the plants and animals, including the dinosaurs.
[DINOSAUR ROARS]
But who survived? Our friends, the fern. Over time, ferns helped improve the soil and created little habitats for other things to grow and evolve and eventually thrive, like mammals. That's the branch of life that led to us, humans. Wait, without ferns, would humans even exist? Do think hard about it. Think very hard. Then vote for ferns.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS] Oh my goodness, I am thinking so hard and my brain feels great because it's thinking about ferns. Hayden, what stood out to you about Justin's declaration of greatness?
HAYDEN: I didn't know that ferns used spores.
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm.
HAYDEN: But I don't know why, but I wrote-- I just wrote spores on my notes. It's fascinating. I'm thinking so hard about ferns right now, it's hard to even speak.
[LAUGHTER]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Amazing.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Michael, it is time for your rebuttal. Give us some sick burns about ferns. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Ferns are so dramatic and fickle. They need so much attention, you'd think they were royalty. Who are they, the king of your house? They are among the hardest plants to keep alive. If you take them home, they need to be watered a lot so that they don't dry out too much.
They're super delicate. They need to be constantly misted. You need to get a dehumidifier or a humidifier. But who's got that kind of cash? I'm not the king of the house. Money doesn't grow on ferns. Symbolism--
MOLLY BLOOM: Time. [LAUGHS]
HAYDEN: Symbolism.
[LAUGHTER]
MICHAEL STEVENS: Do I have more time or no?
MOLLY BLOOM: Nope, you're done.
MICHAEL STEVENS: OK. [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: I do like just ending with the word "symbolism."
MICHAEL STEVENS: Symbolism.
[LAUGHTER]
HAYDEN: Symbolism.
MICHAEL STEVENS: And that's it. I have so much more to say, but to be continued another time later with a metaphor.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: OK, Hayden, it is time to award some points. Please give one point to the declaration of greatness that you liked best and one point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team's jokes make you giggle? Was another team citing their sources?
Award your points, but don't tell us who they're going to. They can both go to the same person or each debater could get a point. Have you made your decision?
HAYDEN: Yes, I have.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Excellent. Justin and Michael, how are you two feeling so far?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I'm feeling fern. I'm feeling--
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHING]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: --rooted down. I'm feeling under the cover of a forest. I am calm, and I am ready. [LAUGHS]
MICHAEL STEVENS: Feeling pretty bold, feeling pretty boisterous.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Mm-hmm. Mm.
MOLLY BLOOM: It is time for a quick break. Slip on your beach shoes or your hiking boots.
HAYDEN: And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.
NARRATOR: You're listening to State of Debate, home to rage and rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Splish-splash, it's me, Taylor Lincoln, alongside my sparkling cleaning bud, Todd Douglas. Say, is that a pair of vacuum cleaners you're holding above your head, Todd?
TODD DOUGLAS: Hi, Taylor, it sure is. I use two so that I can clean the ceiling at lightning speed. Phew, now the only thing left is my double-handed, super spinning full-room mopping.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: I love to clean, too, but instead of rooms, I like to clean up bad arguments, especially when there are logical fallacies in the mix.
TODD DOUGLAS: Oh, a logical fallacy. That's when someone makes a bad argument that's easy to defeat.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It is. And the other day, I overheard a real messy one. Let's take a listen.
[TAPE ROLLING]
SLOPPY: Hi, welcome to Sergeant Sloppy's Slop-tacular Slop-trant. Our food is sloppy and rude. Can I please take your order?
GIRL: Yes. I'll have the chili cheese slop dog, extra slop sauce with a side of slop fries, but hold the onions, please.
SLOPPY: Anything else?
GIRL: Do you think I could get some extra napkins with this? I mean, it feels like it might get kind of sloppy.
SLOPPY: Ooh, no can do.
GIRL: No extra napkins? But why not?
SLOPPY: If I give you more paper napkins, then everyone will want extra napkins. And then they might have to cut down whole forests to make more, and there wouldn't be any more trees in the world. So I'm sorry I have to say no to extra napkins.
[BUZZER]
TODD DOUGLAS: Whoa, clean up in the debate aisle.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Indeed-amundo, Todd, old pal. That was a real sloppy argument.
TODD DOUGLAS: That cashier was using the slippery slope fallacy. That's where someone claims that a small action will lead to a huge outcome.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It's messy because it exaggerates what might happen without any evidence.
TODD DOUGLAS: Well, I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm suddenly craving slop dogs.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Me, too. Let's not get them to-go, though. I wouldn't want to get any on this newly cleaned ceiling.
TODD DOUGLAS: Thanks. We'll see you next time on--
BOTH: State of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
NARRATOR: Brains On Universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. Since you're a fan of Smash Boom Best, we know you'll love the other shows in our universe. Come on, let's explore.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Entering Brains On Universe to find my favorite podcasts. Brains On, Smash Boom Best, Forever Ago. [GASPS] Picking up signal. Forever Ago, the history show hosted by Joy Dolo.
JOY DOLO: Welcome to--
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Joy's Hall of Stalls. Every door in this hall leads to a different model of toilet from throughout history. You want a potty like it's 1999?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Right this way.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[BEEP]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Zorp! Where did the signal go? Must find Forever Ago now!
JOY DOLO: Listen to Forever Ago wherever you get your podcasts.
SPEAKER 1: Best.
SPEAKER 2: Boom.
SPEAKER 3: Smash. Smash.
SPEAKER 2: Boom.
SPEAKER 1: Best.
MOLLY BLOOM: You are listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host, Molly Bloom.
HAYDEN: And I'm your judge, Hayden.
MOLLY BLOOM: And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Take a listen to this valuable debate idea from AJ.
AJ: My name is AJ, and I'm from Bear, Delaware. My debate idea is coins versus dollars.
HAYDEN: That debate sure makes sense.
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, check back at the end of this episode to see which side AJ thinks should win.
HAYDEN: And now, it's back to our debate, seashells versus ferns.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's right. And it's time for round two, the--
NARRATOR: Micro Round.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: For the Micro Round challenge, each team has prepared a creative response to a prompt they received in advance. We asked Michael and Justin to pretend like they are YouTube stars, telling us why their side is the Smash Boom Best. Michael went first last time. So, Justin, you're up. Give us the funny facts on fronds, YouTube style.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Hey, friends, welcome to my FernTube channel, where we talk about nothing but the wonderful greens of our world, specifically, ferns, because we're here to have fern. Also, remember to comment, subscribe, and send me a pre-stamped envelope if you want a copy of my newsletter, Ferntastic Facts and Where to Find Them.
In case you're new here, my channel includes viral hits, such as, You're Never Going to Be-leaf which Ferns are Native to your Backyard and How I Learned to be an Expert Painter by Painting the Maidenhair Fern. This month, I've been doing something a little different, a song a day challenge, where I write one original song every day.
Today's song is about someone who didn't love me back. If there's a certain plant listening to this, this one's for you.
[GUITAR STRUMMING]
(SINGING) I thought it would work between us
But I guess I didn't have it right
I was ready to get my hands dirty
But you wouldn't even fight
You were so down to earth
But you couldn't even say a word
All you do was lay in the sun
And be happy to get pooped on by birds
It's fertilizer, apparently
I fell in love with you, fern
A real fern
I fell in love with the plant
But when I spoke about feelings
You wouldn't even say a word
You only have leaves
You literally don't have a mouth
So the pot I bought for you will now be returned to the store
(SPEAKING) Well, fern friends, it's been real. Keep an eye out for my next video, Ten Leaves You Can't Leave Home Without. And remember, make every day a fern-ominal day.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow, that was indeed fern-ominal. That got so emo in there. I really felt it. All right, Michael, it's your turn to share about seashells with social media, and go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOCK MOLLUSK: Hi, and welcome to Mock Mollusk Sells Seashells on the Seashore 2, the YouTube channel where I, human realtor, Mock Mollusk, demystify the seashell home-buying process because I want to make sure your first shell is your dream shell.
I'm sure many of you know shells, you hermit crabs. But you probably don't know how to buy a shell. That's where I come in.
[BIRD SQUEAKING]
Hey, seagull, come back with that shell! You got to pay for that property. Ha-ya-yay! The first thing you need to know when buying your forever shell is you're going to need to make sure it's got good bones, a.k.a. a large, cavernous spiral to house your crabby body, like this one here. Can you believe the number of bathrooms in this beauty? And it's only $500,000.
Helping little itty-bitty hermit crabs find their dream shells makes me so glad I left a high-paying job in human real estate. Plus I just love the beach!
[BIRDS SQUEAKING]
Scram, seagulls! You're messing up my video. I'm a real big deal on the YouTubes. [GRUNTS] Now, it's time to close the deal. You'll need to make sure you can pay for the home and your realtor. My fee is a commission rate of 5.4% of the shells you buy the home for, which gets pretty confusing when you don't know which shells are the homes and which shells are the money. Wait--
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Is that a giant seagull? Not again.
[BIRD SQUEAKS]
Oh, no! [THUD] My shells!
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow, I am liking it. I am following it. I am subscribing. Incredible. Hayden, what did you like about Michael and Justin's Micro Rounds?
HAYDEN: Well, I listen to so much YouTube and so many podcasts, so this is just hitting two birds with one stone. When I saw that Justin was a composer, I was hoping for a song, so I'm very pleased that we got a song.
MOLLY BLOOM: I am so glad you got a song, too. Now, though, it is time to award a point. Have you made your decision?
HAYDEN: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for our third round, the super stealthy--
[CHANTING]
NARRATOR: Sneak attack.
MOLLY BLOOM: This is our improvised round where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's sneak attack is called Musical Styles. For this challenge, we want each of you to come up with one glorious sentence making a case for your side.
Then, we'll give you three different genres of music, and you'll sing that sentence, again, in each genre. Does that make sense?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Yes, that makes sense.
MICHAEL STEVENS: That makes a lot of sense.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, debaters, we're going to start with Michael. Let's hear your sentence, just plain spoken.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Seashells are fun for arts and crafts.
MOLLY BLOOM: Lovely. All right, now, Justin, let's hear your sentence.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Ferns are beautiful life. [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Ferns are beautiful life.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: That's my sentence, yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Perfect. [LAUGHS] All right, Michael, let's hear your sentence again, "Seashells are fun for arts and crafts." But this time, please sing it in the style of pop music.
MICHAEL STEVENS (SINGING): Seashells are fun for art and crafts
Seashells are fun for arts and crafts
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm-hmm, very nice, very nice. All right, Justin, let's hear your sentence in the style of country music.
JUSTIN LOBASSO (SINGING): Ferns are beautiful life
And ferns are beautiful life
Ferns are beautiful life
Ferns are beautiful life
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: How was that?
MOLLY BLOOM: I can hear the banjo picking now.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Mm-hmm.
MOLLY BLOOM: It was so good. All right, Michael, let's hear yours again, but this time, in the style of electronic dance music.
MICHAEL STEVENS (SINGING): Seashells are fun for arts and crafts
Doo, doo, dee, doo doo doo
Seashells are fun for arts and crafts
Doo dee, doo doo, doo doo doo, doo dee, dee dee, dee dee, dee dee.
[LAUGHTER]
(SPEAKING) A little bit of a sample.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I will say Michael is dancing like a crab on the other side of the table.
MICHEAL STEVENS: I am dancing.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I know I'm on the other side of the argument, but I need-- [LAUGHING] I need to support you with that here.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Justin, let's hear your sentence in the style of opera.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Oh.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Hmm.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO (SINGING): Ferns are beautiful life
Ferns, ferns, ferns are beautiful life
[LAUGHS]
Ferns, come to me
Ferns, ferns are beautiful life
MICHAEL STEVENS: It's pretty good.
MOLLY BLOOM: I think your sentence was made for opera.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I think it was truly made for opera, absolutely.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Michael, for your final sentence, let's hear it sung in the style of indie rock.
MICHAEL STEVENS (SINGING): Seashells are fun
JUSTIN LOBASSO: [LAUGHING]
MICHAEL STEVENS (SINGING): For arts and crafts
Boom, boom
Seashells are fun
(SPEAKING) The end.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Amazing.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow, that was very beautiful.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Thank you very much.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: The Arctic Monkeys are--
MOLLY BLOOM: It rocked.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: --shaking in their boots.
MICHAEL STEVENS: [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: They have no idea what's coming.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Justin, for your final sentence, let's hear it in the style of a Broadway ballad.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Oh, I'm so jealous. [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: That's good. That's good.
[VOCALIZING]
(SINGING) Ferns are beautiful life
Ferns are beautiful life
Don't you know it?
Ferns are beautiful life, ah
[LAUGHING]
(SPEAKING) There's some-- some really light breathing at the end.
[LAUGHTER]
And was that a ballad? You'll have to ask me later. [LAUGHING]
MOLLY BLOOM: Truly beautiful. Both did such a wonderful job. But Hayden, only one of them can get a point for their remarkable musical stylings. Hayden, have you made your decision?
HAYDEN: Yes, I have.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for our final round--
NARRATOR: The Final Six.
MOLLY BLOOM: In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Justin, let's hear your six words for why ferns are the most fantastic.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Ferns, rooted, green, beautiful, verger, scene.
HAYDEN: What was the second to last word you said?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: The second last word is verger. I found it on www.google.com.
MICHAEL STEVENS: And this is a real word?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: It's a real word.
MICHAEL STEVENS: This is a real word?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: It's an absolutely real word. I didn't click the pronunciation button before I left my home.
HAYDEN: What does it mean?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: It specifically recalls as to like a beautiful aesthetic of nature--
MOLLY BLOOM: Oh.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: --usually in terms of landscape--
MOLLY BLOOM: Lovely.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: --or things like that. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Look, we're learning today. I love it. All right, Michael, it is your turn. Please give us the skinny on why seashells are superior.
MICHAEL STEVENS: [CLEARS THROAT]
Ultimately, seashells are great because beach.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Oh, man. Hayden, I am glad you're making this decision and not me because this was a very close debate. But it's time to award your final point. Have you made your decision?
HAYDEN: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, tally up those points. Are you ready to crown one team the Smash Boom Best?
HAYDEN: I am.
MOLLY BLOOM: Drum roll, please.
[DRUM ROLL]
And the winner is--
HAYDEN: Ferns. [CHUCKLES]
[FANFARE]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Oh, yeah! Amazing. That's just amazing.
MICHAEL STEVENS: [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: That's fantastic. That's fern-tastic, truly. Thank you very much for this award. I don't know if I'm supposed to speak right now.
MICHAEL STEVENS: No, you should--
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I started celebrating it, and I'm merely speaking. I'd like to thank my opponent, Michael, on the other side of the table. You know, it was a really rough match, but we really put our all into it, and I really put my all into this. And I'd like to thank the academy, a.k.a. Hayden. Thank you so much for this--
LADIES: [LAUGHING]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Thank you so much for this victory. I'm going to be smiling all the way home today.
MOLLY BLOOM: So, Hayden, what was your favorite part of today's debate?
HAYDEN: Well, I was really neutral, but now I'm scared to go in the beach-themed bathroom because I don't know if some--
[LAUGHTER]
--invertebrate creature has crawled into the shells.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Just amazing.
HAYDEN: I have a new fear. I was in that bathroom earlier. And there could have been millions of small creatures watching me from the shells. And I would have had no clue. So thank you for--
[LAUGHTER]
--for bringing that to my attention.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: 1,000%.
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, that's it for today's debate battle. Hayden crowned ferns the Smash Boom Best, but what about you?
HAYDEN: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
MOLLY BLOOM: Smash Boom Best is brought to you by Brains On and APM Studios. It's produced by Molly Bloom--
ANNA WEGGEL: Anna Weggel.
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Aron Woldeslassie.
MOLLY BLOOM: We had engineering help from Derek Ramirez with sound design by Anna Weggel. Our editors are--
SHAHLA FARZAN: Shahla Farzan.
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
SANDEN TOTTEN: Sanden Totten.
MOLLY BLOOM: And we had production help from the rest of the Brains On Universe team--
ROSIE DUPONT: Rosie duPont.
RACHEL BREES: Rachel Brees.
ANNA GOLDFIELD: Anna Goldfield.
NICO GONZALEZ WISLER: Nico Gonzalez Wisler.
RUBY GUTHRIE: Ruby Guthrie.
LAUREN HUMPERT: Lauren Humpert.
JESS MILLER: Jess Miller.
JOSHUA RAY: Joshua Ray.
MARC SANCHEZ: Marc Sanchez.
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
CHARLOTTE TRAVER: Charlotte Traver.
MOLLY BLOOM: Our executive producer is Beth Pearlman. And the APM Studios executives-in-charge are Chandra Kavati and Joanne Griffith. Our announcer is Marley Feuerwerker-Otto. And we want to give a special thanks to Austin Cross and Taylor Kaufman. Michael, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to today?
MICHAEL STEVENS: I'd like to give a shout-out to my partner, Jasmine, and our bird son, Clover. He is the reason why I do what I do.
MOLLY BLOOM: Oh, Clover. And how about you, Justin, any special shout-outs?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I'd like to shout-out all the plans that I have at home. I have my jalapeno plants. I have my basil plants. I have all my herbs in the windows. And I'd also most especially like to shout-out my friend Michael across the table.
MICHAEL STEVENS: I like to shout-out my friend, Justin.
MOLLY BLOOM: Aw.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: A wonderful, beautiful friend.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Oh, wonderful, beautiful composer friend.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Oh, thank you very much.
MOLLY BLOOM: Beautiful. And how about you, Hayden, any special thanks or shout-outs?
HAYDEN: I will shout-out my parents for driving me here. And I will shout out all the small creatures living in my bathroom.
[LAUGHTER]
And, you know, I don't want Molly to feel left out, so I'll shout-out Molly.
MOLLY BLOOM: Thank you so much, Hayden. And I'm going to shout-out you.
HAYDEN: Thank you.
MOLLY BLOOM: Before we go, let's check in and see who AJ thinks should win the coins versus dollars debate.
AJ: I think dollars would win because they're worth more money.
MOLLY BLOOM: If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge, or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock down, drag out debate, head to smashboom.org/contact and drop us a line. And make sure to subscribe to Brains On Universe on YouTube where you can watch animated versions of some of your favorite episodes. We'll be back with a new Smash Boom Best debate battle next week. Ta-da!
JUSTIN LOBASSO: See you later.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Bye.
HAYDEN: Bye.
SINGERS (SINGING): Smash Boom Best
Ooh, put you through the test
Ooh, yeah, the Smash Boom Best
Ooh, better than the rest
It's Smash Boom Best
It's Smash Boom Best
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] I can tell you two are friends.
[LAUGHTER]
HAYDEN: The show for people with big opinions.
MOLLY BLOOM: Hi, I'm Molly Bloom, and this is Smash Boom Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's debate is a showdown of natural wonder. It's a beachy beauty against a fabulous frond. It's seashells versus ferns.
We've got actor and podcaster, Michael Stevens, ready to sing his praises for Team Seashells.
MICHAEL STEVENS: It's great to be with you all for the shell-ebration today. I'm sure it's going to be a sand-sational time.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: And comedian and composer, Justin LoBasso, is here to fawn over Team Ferns.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: It's fern-tastic to be here. My feet are planted on the ground, and I am grounded. And I am ready to win.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: And here to judge it all is Hayden from Locust Grove, Virginia. Hayden loves to play piano, guitar, and ukulele, has four cats, and to this day, has never tried soup. Hi, Hayden.
[LAUGHTER]
HAYDEN: I'm glad to be here.
MOLLY BLOOM: So, what are the names of your four cats?
HAYDEN: Their names are Halibu, Houdini, Baby, and Goblin.
MOLLY BLOOM: Oh, I like those names.
[LAUGHTER]
Have you had those cats all for the same amount of time, or like, when did they come into your life?
HAYDEN: So Goblin, Baby and Houdini, we got eight years ago, about. And then Halibu, I just got last summer, so just under a year. And he is my son, and I love him.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, do you have any advice for our debaters today?
HAYDEN: I love some good-cited sources. In one of the first episodes, one person cited a source, which is a book, and I bought that book--
MOLLY BLOOM: What?
HAYDEN: --at the age of 11.
MOLLY BLOOM: Incredible. Was it a good book?
HAYDEN: I don't remember because I was 11.
MOLLY BLOOM: Yeah, it's a long time ago. It's fair.
HAYDEN: But it's still on my bookshelf. And maybe I'll give it a reread this summer.
MOLLY BLOOM: I love that. So, debaters, please present your bibliographies to Hayden at the end of the debate.
HAYDEN: Yes, and MLA citations--
MICHAEL STEVENS: MLAs, what--
HAYDEN: --format, please.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Perfect.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Over audio. [LAUGHS]
MICHAEL STEVENS: Got them all in alphabetical order.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: The bibliography?
MICHAEL STEVENS: Yes.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Yeah. [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, will Hayden side with Team Seashells or Team Ferns? Only time will tell. Before we dive in, let's review the rules of the game. Every debate consists of four rounds, the Declaration of Greatness, the Micro Round, the Sneak Attack, and the Final Six. After each round, our judge, Hayden, will award points to the team that impresses her the most, but she'll keep her decisions top secret until the end of the debate.
Listeners, we want you to judge, too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won. All right, Michael, Justin, and Hayden, are you ready?
MICHAEL STEVENS: I sure am.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Absolutely.
HAYDEN: I was born ready.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for the--
NARRATOR: Declaration of Greatness.
[FANFARE]
MOLLY BLOOM: In this round, our debaters will present a well-crafted, immersive argument in favor of their side. Then they'll each have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. We flipped a coin, and Michael, you're up first. Tell us what makes seashells so stupendous.
[LIVELY MUSIC]
SALLY SALVADOR: Oh, hi. Are you looking for a fun new way to bring the beauty of the natural world inside your home? Want to feel like you're at the beach while you're, you know, sitting on the toilet? Head on over to Sally Salvador's Seashell Shack, where we've got covered for all your seashell needs. Don't just take my word for it. [CHUCKLES] Just listen to these very, very real testimonials.
WOMAN: My bathroom used to be so boring, white towels, white toilet, white bathtub. Ugh. But now my bathroom is chock-full of stunning shells. I drink five cups of coffee a day just to look at those shells.
MAN: [GROANS] Me pirate-themed restaurant wasn't catching any eyes, so I sailed to Sally Salvador Seashell Shack. Now, sailors shower me shelly shanty with all their lunch money.
HERMIT CRAB: And I'm a hermit crab. Sally got me a new home.
SALLY SALVADOR: So come on down to Sally Salvador's Seashell Shack, where our only business is selling you the finest seashells by the seashore.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Everybody loves shells. They're incredible, indispensable, and super strong. Tons of sea creatures have shells, like clams, oysters, and snails. That's because they're great protection.
MAN: Aye, sea creatures be delicious. Now get ready to be sliced in two by my trusty sword, you tasty clam. [THUD] What the-- [THUD] Ah! Why won't my blade cut you in twine?
MICHAEL STEVENS: Well, your sword is made of wood. But also, seashells are really strong. They're made in a process called biomineralization.
MAN: Bio--what's it?
MICHAEL STEVENS: Biomineralization.
MAN: Bio-hoo-ha?
MICHAEL STEVENS: That's when creatures make their own shells by pulling minerals out of the water. These minerals then harden into the microscopic crystals that make seashells. They're super strong and can last a long time, too, even after the animal that lived inside is long gone.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
And that's not all, because of their strength, color, and massive variety, seashells have been used in lots of cool ways throughout history. Thousands of years ago, ancient people used shells as tools, like knives, hoes, and bowls. But shells aren't just useful tools, they're also valuable.
In the 14th century, tiny white shells called cowrie shells were used as money in Africa, Asia, and Europe. They were considered easier to use than gold because they were portable, strong, and difficult to counterfeit.
WOMAN: Hi, there. I'd like to buy a sandwich, these socks-- ooh, and some whale blubber.
VENDOR: All right. That'll be 12 shells.
WOMAN: Oh, 12 shells? Sorry, I only have cash.
VENDOR: Cash? What kind of a shell shield charlatan do you take me for? Come back when you have real money.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Shells don't just make good money. They also make great fertilizer, concrete, and even music. Don't take my word for it. Just listen to the tune from this gorgeous conch shell.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
With so many great ways to use shells, it's no wonder people love them so much. But there's another reason why humans have been obsessed with them for thousands of years. Shells are one of nature's greatest natural beauties. With their intricate patterns and colors, it totally makes sense why people use them for decoration.
And because of their amazing variety, shells can fit anyone's style.
SPEAKER 1: I prefer darkness, spikes, and edges.
MICHAEL STEVENS: There's a shell for that.
SPEAKER 2: I like ponies, pink posies, and pretty pansies.
MICHAEL STEVENS: There's a shell for that, too.
SPEAKER 3: I like staring at toilets, licking stamps, and yelling at the moon.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Cool. I'm sure there's a shell out there for you, too. Because with around 100,000 shell species to choose from, everyone can find a seashell that matches their unique style. That's why every time my partner and I take a trip to the beach, we collect a few shells to remind us of the fun we had. Plus our pet bird Clover loves to nibble seeds out of them, too.
[BIRD SQUEAKS]
So if you're looking for something that is super useful, matches your style, and is bird-approved, head to the nearest beach and grab a shell. And if you don't live near a beach--
SALLY SALVADOR: Head to Sally Salvador's Seashell Shack. I'll know If you don't. [GIGGLES]
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow, a stupendous argument there for shells. The whole family loves them. Hayden, what stood out to you about Michael's declaration of greatness?
HAYDEN: Oh my gosh, I love how he combined science and history and comedy. And I also feel called out because I have a beach-themed bathroom.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, it's a great place to stare at shells.
HAYDEN: Yeah, definitely. And on my notes, I just wrote bio-hoo-ha. It's very funny.
[LAUGHTER]
Great job.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Thank you very much.
MOLLY BLOOM: Very, very well done. All right, Justin, it is time for your rebuttal. Tell us why seashells are stinky. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Seashells are pretty? What if they break? If ferns break, they will grow another arm and are also great decorators. Ferns are life, but seashells are, you know, discarded from the little clams and everything. If you put a seashell in your bathroom, I mean, a clam could get in there. And that's really scary because you won't know that a clam's in there.
[LAUGHTER]
Seashells turn into sand. The worst part of going to the beach-- and they have those ridges. And if you sit on it, it'll leave marks on your butt. And that's not great either.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
[LAUGHTER]
Sneaky shells.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Mm-hmm.
MOLLY BLOOM: Leaving marks on your butt.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Very sneaky, leaving marks on your butt.
MOLLY BLOOM: Michael, anything you'd like to say in response to Justin?
MICHAEL STEVENS: Well, I'd like to keep clam cool and collected.
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLING]
MICHAEL STEVENS: But I have to say, when shells break, you can make boxes out of them. This is a very common practice. Can you clarify the point about clams getting into shells?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Well--
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
MICHAEL STEVENS: What are your sources?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: My sources? Let me cite my sources. It's me at 1:00 AM.
[LAUGHTER]
My mom always had a-- our bathroom was always beach-themed and everything. And I always thought as a kid, I'm like, not bugs, not squirrels or anything like that. But what if a clam, a mussel, a small pearl-giving creature were to find its way into the bathroom and just kind of hang out there? I'd never know, it's glued onto the wall. My source is anecdotal. A for anecdotal. I'm alphabetizing.
MICHAEL STEVENS: OK.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHING]
MICHAEL STEVENS: I just find that really, really funny. I also hail from a beach bathroom household.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Hmm.
MICHAEL STEVENS: And I have not been--
JUSTIN LOBASSO: So you get it?
MICHAEL STEVENS: No, I do not.
[LAUGHTER]
No, I do not.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. This is an excellent debate.
MICHAEL STEVENS: [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Justin, I know you've got some things to say.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Absolutely.
MOLLY BLOOM: More on your mind, so please tell us why ferns are so fabulous.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: The timing of this debate is perfect. I just got cast in the fern soap opera, As The World Ferns. I play Brad Fernley, a charismatic fern in love with Fernderella Bentley. Here's a clip.
[TAPE ROLLING]
FERNDERELLA: Oh, Brad, your fronds are so strong.
BRAD: Fernderella, you chloro-fill my heart with joy.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
FERNDERELLA: Who could that be?
DUSTY: It's me, Dusty McSpores.
BRAD: Gasp!
FERNDERELLA: Gasp! But I thought you were dead?
DUSTY: Huh, I just wanted you to think that. No, my leaves may have died, but us ferns can sprout back from our special underground stems called rhizomes. Now, come to me, my dar-leaf. [KISSES]
FERNDERELLA: But I'm with Brad Fernley now.
DUSTY: You are? Gasp!
BRAD: Double gasp! I mean, yeah, besides, you only want to marry Fernderella for her fern-heritance.
DUSTY: [SCOFFS] You're just green with envy because my looks are so plant-alizing.
BRAD: Oh, yeah? Try this on for photosynthesize.
BOTH: [GRUNTING]
DUSTY: [SCREAMS]
Whoa!
BRAD: [GRUNTING]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Ferns are some of the most dramatic plants out there. They have fabulous fronds, which are long leafy stems that look like plant feathers. Some ferns are the size of trees. Others, you could fit on the tip of your finger. Plus they can be different colors, from bright green to orange or even purple. All this makes them some of the best decorators out there.
MAN: Help! My forest is looking so drab. How can I add some oomph?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Try covering the forest floor with ferns. They grow all over, from lush rainforests to rocky mountains to hot deserts. They look great and help trap moisture at ground level so things don't get too dry.
But ferns aren't just for the ground. Some grow on other plants, like the bird's-nest fern. It grows high up on trees. And like its name, it looks like a nest that catches rainwater and leaves. This makes it a perfect home for little critters.
MAN: Wow, this forest went from drab to fab. Can ferns grow inside, too?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Are seashells just the abandoned homes of spineless creeps? [CHUCKLES] Of course. Ferns are amazing houseplants. In the 1970s and '80s, ferns were so popular they became the defining feature of hip bars and restaurants. They were called fern bars, and they'd have quirky antique lamps, dark wood, old signs on the walls, and of course, ferns. These fern bars were great date spots.
FRED: What a magical night. It might be all the wonderfully vibrant plant life talking, but I think I'm in love.
WOMAN: You're right. I feel it, too. I love you, Fern-- I mean, Fred. I love you, Fred, not Fern.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: In fact, there's a chance some of your grandparents met at a fern bar. They fell in love, had kids, one who became your parent, and then you were born. Wait, without ferns, would you even exist? Don't think too hard about it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
And if you want tough, look no further. Ferns are the ultimate survivors! They can get trampled, burned, and eaten and still bounce back. That's because ferns can regrow from their roots alone. Plus they reproduce using tiny little dust-like specks called spores. A spore will launch into the wind, and if it lands in some decent dirt, it'll sprout more ferns.
You just can't stop this leafy crop. That's why ferns survived the last mass extinction. Around 66 million years ago, a huge asteroid hit Earth--
[EXPLODING]
--wiping out most of the plants and animals, including the dinosaurs.
[DINOSAUR ROARS]
But who survived? Our friends, the fern. Over time, ferns helped improve the soil and created little habitats for other things to grow and evolve and eventually thrive, like mammals. That's the branch of life that led to us, humans. Wait, without ferns, would humans even exist? Do think hard about it. Think very hard. Then vote for ferns.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS] Oh my goodness, I am thinking so hard and my brain feels great because it's thinking about ferns. Hayden, what stood out to you about Justin's declaration of greatness?
HAYDEN: I didn't know that ferns used spores.
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm.
HAYDEN: But I don't know why, but I wrote-- I just wrote spores on my notes. It's fascinating. I'm thinking so hard about ferns right now, it's hard to even speak.
[LAUGHTER]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Amazing.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Michael, it is time for your rebuttal. Give us some sick burns about ferns. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Ferns are so dramatic and fickle. They need so much attention, you'd think they were royalty. Who are they, the king of your house? They are among the hardest plants to keep alive. If you take them home, they need to be watered a lot so that they don't dry out too much.
They're super delicate. They need to be constantly misted. You need to get a dehumidifier or a humidifier. But who's got that kind of cash? I'm not the king of the house. Money doesn't grow on ferns. Symbolism--
MOLLY BLOOM: Time. [LAUGHS]
HAYDEN: Symbolism.
[LAUGHTER]
MICHAEL STEVENS: Do I have more time or no?
MOLLY BLOOM: Nope, you're done.
MICHAEL STEVENS: OK. [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: I do like just ending with the word "symbolism."
MICHAEL STEVENS: Symbolism.
[LAUGHTER]
HAYDEN: Symbolism.
MICHAEL STEVENS: And that's it. I have so much more to say, but to be continued another time later with a metaphor.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: OK, Hayden, it is time to award some points. Please give one point to the declaration of greatness that you liked best and one point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team's jokes make you giggle? Was another team citing their sources?
Award your points, but don't tell us who they're going to. They can both go to the same person or each debater could get a point. Have you made your decision?
HAYDEN: Yes, I have.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Excellent. Justin and Michael, how are you two feeling so far?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I'm feeling fern. I'm feeling--
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHING]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: --rooted down. I'm feeling under the cover of a forest. I am calm, and I am ready. [LAUGHS]
MICHAEL STEVENS: Feeling pretty bold, feeling pretty boisterous.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Mm-hmm. Mm.
MOLLY BLOOM: It is time for a quick break. Slip on your beach shoes or your hiking boots.
HAYDEN: And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.
NARRATOR: You're listening to State of Debate, home to rage and rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Splish-splash, it's me, Taylor Lincoln, alongside my sparkling cleaning bud, Todd Douglas. Say, is that a pair of vacuum cleaners you're holding above your head, Todd?
TODD DOUGLAS: Hi, Taylor, it sure is. I use two so that I can clean the ceiling at lightning speed. Phew, now the only thing left is my double-handed, super spinning full-room mopping.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: I love to clean, too, but instead of rooms, I like to clean up bad arguments, especially when there are logical fallacies in the mix.
TODD DOUGLAS: Oh, a logical fallacy. That's when someone makes a bad argument that's easy to defeat.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It is. And the other day, I overheard a real messy one. Let's take a listen.
[TAPE ROLLING]
SLOPPY: Hi, welcome to Sergeant Sloppy's Slop-tacular Slop-trant. Our food is sloppy and rude. Can I please take your order?
GIRL: Yes. I'll have the chili cheese slop dog, extra slop sauce with a side of slop fries, but hold the onions, please.
SLOPPY: Anything else?
GIRL: Do you think I could get some extra napkins with this? I mean, it feels like it might get kind of sloppy.
SLOPPY: Ooh, no can do.
GIRL: No extra napkins? But why not?
SLOPPY: If I give you more paper napkins, then everyone will want extra napkins. And then they might have to cut down whole forests to make more, and there wouldn't be any more trees in the world. So I'm sorry I have to say no to extra napkins.
[BUZZER]
TODD DOUGLAS: Whoa, clean up in the debate aisle.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Indeed-amundo, Todd, old pal. That was a real sloppy argument.
TODD DOUGLAS: That cashier was using the slippery slope fallacy. That's where someone claims that a small action will lead to a huge outcome.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It's messy because it exaggerates what might happen without any evidence.
TODD DOUGLAS: Well, I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm suddenly craving slop dogs.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Me, too. Let's not get them to-go, though. I wouldn't want to get any on this newly cleaned ceiling.
TODD DOUGLAS: Thanks. We'll see you next time on--
BOTH: State of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
NARRATOR: Brains On Universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. Since you're a fan of Smash Boom Best, we know you'll love the other shows in our universe. Come on, let's explore.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Entering Brains On Universe to find my favorite podcasts. Brains On, Smash Boom Best, Forever Ago. [GASPS] Picking up signal. Forever Ago, the history show hosted by Joy Dolo.
JOY DOLO: Welcome to--
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Joy's Hall of Stalls. Every door in this hall leads to a different model of toilet from throughout history. You want a potty like it's 1999?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Right this way.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[BEEP]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Zorp! Where did the signal go? Must find Forever Ago now!
JOY DOLO: Listen to Forever Ago wherever you get your podcasts.
SPEAKER 1: Best.
SPEAKER 2: Boom.
SPEAKER 3: Smash. Smash.
SPEAKER 2: Boom.
SPEAKER 1: Best.
MOLLY BLOOM: You are listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host, Molly Bloom.
HAYDEN: And I'm your judge, Hayden.
MOLLY BLOOM: And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Take a listen to this valuable debate idea from AJ.
AJ: My name is AJ, and I'm from Bear, Delaware. My debate idea is coins versus dollars.
HAYDEN: That debate sure makes sense.
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, check back at the end of this episode to see which side AJ thinks should win.
HAYDEN: And now, it's back to our debate, seashells versus ferns.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's right. And it's time for round two, the--
NARRATOR: Micro Round.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: For the Micro Round challenge, each team has prepared a creative response to a prompt they received in advance. We asked Michael and Justin to pretend like they are YouTube stars, telling us why their side is the Smash Boom Best. Michael went first last time. So, Justin, you're up. Give us the funny facts on fronds, YouTube style.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Hey, friends, welcome to my FernTube channel, where we talk about nothing but the wonderful greens of our world, specifically, ferns, because we're here to have fern. Also, remember to comment, subscribe, and send me a pre-stamped envelope if you want a copy of my newsletter, Ferntastic Facts and Where to Find Them.
In case you're new here, my channel includes viral hits, such as, You're Never Going to Be-leaf which Ferns are Native to your Backyard and How I Learned to be an Expert Painter by Painting the Maidenhair Fern. This month, I've been doing something a little different, a song a day challenge, where I write one original song every day.
Today's song is about someone who didn't love me back. If there's a certain plant listening to this, this one's for you.
[GUITAR STRUMMING]
(SINGING) I thought it would work between us
But I guess I didn't have it right
I was ready to get my hands dirty
But you wouldn't even fight
You were so down to earth
But you couldn't even say a word
All you do was lay in the sun
And be happy to get pooped on by birds
It's fertilizer, apparently
I fell in love with you, fern
A real fern
I fell in love with the plant
But when I spoke about feelings
You wouldn't even say a word
You only have leaves
You literally don't have a mouth
So the pot I bought for you will now be returned to the store
(SPEAKING) Well, fern friends, it's been real. Keep an eye out for my next video, Ten Leaves You Can't Leave Home Without. And remember, make every day a fern-ominal day.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow, that was indeed fern-ominal. That got so emo in there. I really felt it. All right, Michael, it's your turn to share about seashells with social media, and go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOCK MOLLUSK: Hi, and welcome to Mock Mollusk Sells Seashells on the Seashore 2, the YouTube channel where I, human realtor, Mock Mollusk, demystify the seashell home-buying process because I want to make sure your first shell is your dream shell.
I'm sure many of you know shells, you hermit crabs. But you probably don't know how to buy a shell. That's where I come in.
[BIRD SQUEAKING]
Hey, seagull, come back with that shell! You got to pay for that property. Ha-ya-yay! The first thing you need to know when buying your forever shell is you're going to need to make sure it's got good bones, a.k.a. a large, cavernous spiral to house your crabby body, like this one here. Can you believe the number of bathrooms in this beauty? And it's only $500,000.
Helping little itty-bitty hermit crabs find their dream shells makes me so glad I left a high-paying job in human real estate. Plus I just love the beach!
[BIRDS SQUEAKING]
Scram, seagulls! You're messing up my video. I'm a real big deal on the YouTubes. [GRUNTS] Now, it's time to close the deal. You'll need to make sure you can pay for the home and your realtor. My fee is a commission rate of 5.4% of the shells you buy the home for, which gets pretty confusing when you don't know which shells are the homes and which shells are the money. Wait--
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Is that a giant seagull? Not again.
[BIRD SQUEAKS]
Oh, no! [THUD] My shells!
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow, I am liking it. I am following it. I am subscribing. Incredible. Hayden, what did you like about Michael and Justin's Micro Rounds?
HAYDEN: Well, I listen to so much YouTube and so many podcasts, so this is just hitting two birds with one stone. When I saw that Justin was a composer, I was hoping for a song, so I'm very pleased that we got a song.
MOLLY BLOOM: I am so glad you got a song, too. Now, though, it is time to award a point. Have you made your decision?
HAYDEN: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for our third round, the super stealthy--
[CHANTING]
NARRATOR: Sneak attack.
MOLLY BLOOM: This is our improvised round where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's sneak attack is called Musical Styles. For this challenge, we want each of you to come up with one glorious sentence making a case for your side.
Then, we'll give you three different genres of music, and you'll sing that sentence, again, in each genre. Does that make sense?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Yes, that makes sense.
MICHAEL STEVENS: That makes a lot of sense.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, debaters, we're going to start with Michael. Let's hear your sentence, just plain spoken.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Seashells are fun for arts and crafts.
MOLLY BLOOM: Lovely. All right, now, Justin, let's hear your sentence.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Ferns are beautiful life. [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Ferns are beautiful life.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: That's my sentence, yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Perfect. [LAUGHS] All right, Michael, let's hear your sentence again, "Seashells are fun for arts and crafts." But this time, please sing it in the style of pop music.
MICHAEL STEVENS (SINGING): Seashells are fun for art and crafts
Seashells are fun for arts and crafts
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm-hmm, very nice, very nice. All right, Justin, let's hear your sentence in the style of country music.
JUSTIN LOBASSO (SINGING): Ferns are beautiful life
And ferns are beautiful life
Ferns are beautiful life
Ferns are beautiful life
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: How was that?
MOLLY BLOOM: I can hear the banjo picking now.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Mm-hmm.
MOLLY BLOOM: It was so good. All right, Michael, let's hear yours again, but this time, in the style of electronic dance music.
MICHAEL STEVENS (SINGING): Seashells are fun for arts and crafts
Doo, doo, dee, doo doo doo
Seashells are fun for arts and crafts
Doo dee, doo doo, doo doo doo, doo dee, dee dee, dee dee, dee dee.
[LAUGHTER]
(SPEAKING) A little bit of a sample.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I will say Michael is dancing like a crab on the other side of the table.
MICHEAL STEVENS: I am dancing.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I know I'm on the other side of the argument, but I need-- [LAUGHING] I need to support you with that here.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Justin, let's hear your sentence in the style of opera.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Oh.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Hmm.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO (SINGING): Ferns are beautiful life
Ferns, ferns, ferns are beautiful life
[LAUGHS]
Ferns, come to me
Ferns, ferns are beautiful life
MICHAEL STEVENS: It's pretty good.
MOLLY BLOOM: I think your sentence was made for opera.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I think it was truly made for opera, absolutely.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Michael, for your final sentence, let's hear it sung in the style of indie rock.
MICHAEL STEVENS (SINGING): Seashells are fun
JUSTIN LOBASSO: [LAUGHING]
MICHAEL STEVENS (SINGING): For arts and crafts
Boom, boom
Seashells are fun
(SPEAKING) The end.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Amazing.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow, that was very beautiful.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Thank you very much.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: The Arctic Monkeys are--
MOLLY BLOOM: It rocked.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: --shaking in their boots.
MICHAEL STEVENS: [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: They have no idea what's coming.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Justin, for your final sentence, let's hear it in the style of a Broadway ballad.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Oh, I'm so jealous. [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: That's good. That's good.
[VOCALIZING]
(SINGING) Ferns are beautiful life
Ferns are beautiful life
Don't you know it?
Ferns are beautiful life, ah
[LAUGHING]
(SPEAKING) There's some-- some really light breathing at the end.
[LAUGHTER]
And was that a ballad? You'll have to ask me later. [LAUGHING]
MOLLY BLOOM: Truly beautiful. Both did such a wonderful job. But Hayden, only one of them can get a point for their remarkable musical stylings. Hayden, have you made your decision?
HAYDEN: Yes, I have.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for our final round--
NARRATOR: The Final Six.
MOLLY BLOOM: In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Justin, let's hear your six words for why ferns are the most fantastic.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Ferns, rooted, green, beautiful, verger, scene.
HAYDEN: What was the second to last word you said?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: The second last word is verger. I found it on www.google.com.
MICHAEL STEVENS: And this is a real word?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: It's a real word.
MICHAEL STEVENS: This is a real word?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: It's an absolutely real word. I didn't click the pronunciation button before I left my home.
HAYDEN: What does it mean?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: It specifically recalls as to like a beautiful aesthetic of nature--
MOLLY BLOOM: Oh.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: --usually in terms of landscape--
MOLLY BLOOM: Lovely.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: --or things like that. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Look, we're learning today. I love it. All right, Michael, it is your turn. Please give us the skinny on why seashells are superior.
MICHAEL STEVENS: [CLEARS THROAT]
Ultimately, seashells are great because beach.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Oh, man. Hayden, I am glad you're making this decision and not me because this was a very close debate. But it's time to award your final point. Have you made your decision?
HAYDEN: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, tally up those points. Are you ready to crown one team the Smash Boom Best?
HAYDEN: I am.
MOLLY BLOOM: Drum roll, please.
[DRUM ROLL]
And the winner is--
HAYDEN: Ferns. [CHUCKLES]
[FANFARE]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Oh, yeah! Amazing. That's just amazing.
MICHAEL STEVENS: [LAUGHS]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: That's fantastic. That's fern-tastic, truly. Thank you very much for this award. I don't know if I'm supposed to speak right now.
MICHAEL STEVENS: No, you should--
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I started celebrating it, and I'm merely speaking. I'd like to thank my opponent, Michael, on the other side of the table. You know, it was a really rough match, but we really put our all into it, and I really put my all into this. And I'd like to thank the academy, a.k.a. Hayden. Thank you so much for this--
LADIES: [LAUGHING]
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Thank you so much for this victory. I'm going to be smiling all the way home today.
MOLLY BLOOM: So, Hayden, what was your favorite part of today's debate?
HAYDEN: Well, I was really neutral, but now I'm scared to go in the beach-themed bathroom because I don't know if some--
[LAUGHTER]
--invertebrate creature has crawled into the shells.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Just amazing.
HAYDEN: I have a new fear. I was in that bathroom earlier. And there could have been millions of small creatures watching me from the shells. And I would have had no clue. So thank you for--
[LAUGHTER]
--for bringing that to my attention.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: 1,000%.
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, that's it for today's debate battle. Hayden crowned ferns the Smash Boom Best, but what about you?
HAYDEN: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
MOLLY BLOOM: Smash Boom Best is brought to you by Brains On and APM Studios. It's produced by Molly Bloom--
ANNA WEGGEL: Anna Weggel.
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Aron Woldeslassie.
MOLLY BLOOM: We had engineering help from Derek Ramirez with sound design by Anna Weggel. Our editors are--
SHAHLA FARZAN: Shahla Farzan.
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
SANDEN TOTTEN: Sanden Totten.
MOLLY BLOOM: And we had production help from the rest of the Brains On Universe team--
ROSIE DUPONT: Rosie duPont.
RACHEL BREES: Rachel Brees.
ANNA GOLDFIELD: Anna Goldfield.
NICO GONZALEZ WISLER: Nico Gonzalez Wisler.
RUBY GUTHRIE: Ruby Guthrie.
LAUREN HUMPERT: Lauren Humpert.
JESS MILLER: Jess Miller.
JOSHUA RAY: Joshua Ray.
MARC SANCHEZ: Marc Sanchez.
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
CHARLOTTE TRAVER: Charlotte Traver.
MOLLY BLOOM: Our executive producer is Beth Pearlman. And the APM Studios executives-in-charge are Chandra Kavati and Joanne Griffith. Our announcer is Marley Feuerwerker-Otto. And we want to give a special thanks to Austin Cross and Taylor Kaufman. Michael, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to today?
MICHAEL STEVENS: I'd like to give a shout-out to my partner, Jasmine, and our bird son, Clover. He is the reason why I do what I do.
MOLLY BLOOM: Oh, Clover. And how about you, Justin, any special shout-outs?
JUSTIN LOBASSO: I'd like to shout-out all the plans that I have at home. I have my jalapeno plants. I have my basil plants. I have all my herbs in the windows. And I'd also most especially like to shout-out my friend Michael across the table.
MICHAEL STEVENS: I like to shout-out my friend, Justin.
MOLLY BLOOM: Aw.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: A wonderful, beautiful friend.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Oh, wonderful, beautiful composer friend.
JUSTIN LOBASSO: Oh, thank you very much.
MOLLY BLOOM: Beautiful. And how about you, Hayden, any special thanks or shout-outs?
HAYDEN: I will shout-out my parents for driving me here. And I will shout out all the small creatures living in my bathroom.
[LAUGHTER]
And, you know, I don't want Molly to feel left out, so I'll shout-out Molly.
MOLLY BLOOM: Thank you so much, Hayden. And I'm going to shout-out you.
HAYDEN: Thank you.
MOLLY BLOOM: Before we go, let's check in and see who AJ thinks should win the coins versus dollars debate.
AJ: I think dollars would win because they're worth more money.
MOLLY BLOOM: If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge, or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock down, drag out debate, head to smashboom.org/contact and drop us a line. And make sure to subscribe to Brains On Universe on YouTube where you can watch animated versions of some of your favorite episodes. We'll be back with a new Smash Boom Best debate battle next week. Ta-da!
JUSTIN LOBASSO: See you later.
MICHAEL STEVENS: Bye.
HAYDEN: Bye.
SINGERS (SINGING): Smash Boom Best
Ooh, put you through the test
Ooh, yeah, the Smash Boom Best
Ooh, better than the rest
It's Smash Boom Best
It's Smash Boom Best
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] I can tell you two are friends.
[LAUGHTER]
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