Godfrey Hibbert
Today’s debate is not too hot, not too cold, but just right! It’s Goldilocks vs. Little Red Riding Hood! Audio producer extraordinaire Tracy Mumford goes for gold in this fairytale face-off with writer, comedian and cape enthusiast Utkarsh Rajawat! Which character will take the crown? The one with lovely locks? Or the one with the crimson cloak?
Vote below for the team YOU think won!
This episode was sponsored by:
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Audio Transcript
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ANNOUNCER: From the brains behind Brains On, it's Smash Boom Best.
NICK: The show for people with big opinions.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOLLY BLOOM: My name is Molly Bloom, and you're listening to Smash Boom Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's stand-off features two fairy tale titans, Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. We've got audio producer extraordinaire Tracy Mumford here to represent intrepid porridge investigator Goldilocks.
TRACY MUMFORD: Not too hot, not too cold. I'm feeling just right for this fight.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS] And writer and comedian Utkarsh Rajawat to give big ups to Little Red.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: This basket case is a forest-gone conclusion-- Little Red Riding [HOWLS].
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Which team will win? The one with the crimson cape or the one with the lovely locks? It's tough to say, but lucky for us, we've got Nick from Saint Paul, Minnesota, here to help us decide.
Nick is a musician and jujitsu enthusiast who loves debate and musical theater. They love American history, expressing themselves, and they're double-jointed at the elbows. Nick, are you ready to rock the judge's seat?
NICK: Yes, completely ready.
MOLLY BLOOM: Awesome. So Nick, what do you think of these two characters? What comes to mind when I say Little Red Riding Hood?
NICK: When you say Little Red Riding Hood, I really think of that scene from the movie Into the Woods. I really like Into the Woods because it shows the family before Little Red, before she goes on their journey and meets the wolf. Like, it shows that they're poor, and this is all the bread that they have so that they can give-- I think it gives such a good backstory and really helps me connect with the characters more.
MOLLY BLOOM: Into the Woods is a musical about all these different storybook characters.
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Very cool. And so what comes to mind when we talk about Goldilocks?
NICK: I think of the Mo Willems Goldilocks, which is Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs, where they're trying to capture and eat her instead of not knowing that she's there.
MOLLY BLOOM: I really like that one. That is an excellent book, and we know you're in a band. So I'm wondering if Goldilocks and Little Red had their own bands, what kind of music do you think they'd play and why?
NICK: I think Goldilocks would probably-- I think her first song would be called "Just Right." And it would be like a folk song kind of. And I think I'm going to be honest. Little Red would have a rock band.
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm. What would then her first single be, do you think?
NICK: Her first single would be "Chased by the Wolf."
MOLLY BLOOM: Ooh. I can tell you are in a rock band. This is excellent. All right. Now, let's review the rules of the game.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Round one is the declaration of greatness, where our debaters present fact-filled arguments in favor of their side. And each will have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. Then we've got the micro-round, where each team will present a creative response to a prompt they received in advance.
Round three is the sneak attack, where our debaters will have to respond to an improv challenge on the spot. And to wrap it all up, we've got the final six, where each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Our judge, Nick, will award two points in the first round-- one for their favorite rebuttal, the other for the declaration they liked best.
They'll award one point in each round after that, but they'll keep their decisions top secret until the end of the debate. Listeners, we want you to judge too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won.
OK. Tracy, Utkarsh, and Nick, are you ready?
TRACY MUMFORD: Feeling gold!
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: I am ready.
TRACY MUMFORD: I'm a little ready riding hood.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for the--
[FANFARE]
ANNOUNCER: Declaration of greatness.
MOLLY BLOOM: We flipped a coin, and Tracy, you're up first. Tell us why Goldilocks is the smash boom best.
TRACY MUMFORD: OK. You have just received the biggest invite of the year to the fairy tale house party-- the fairy tale house party. The invite came strapped to a goose, which was kind of hard to catch, but you did it. You got the invite. You are in.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You show up to the party, which is at a castle, obviously, and everyone is there. So now you have to decide-- who do you want to hang out with? You look around the room, and you've got Jack, who seems a little paranoid, looking over his shoulder, mumbling about giants and beans. That's an option.
You've got Hansel and Gretel, who are the messiest eaters I have ever seen. They are spewing crumbs from, like, 10 feet away. And then you've got Little Red over there, who honestly smells a little like wet dog, and it's very unclear what's under that coat.
And then you see her, Goldilocks. She's chilling in the corner, so relaxed. She has definitely found the comfiest couch. She's got just the right bowl of guacamole, and she is all about sharing. This is who you want to hang out with.
Goldilocks is an old soul. Her story has been around in one form or another for more than 200 years. And if you listen to the naysayers, they'll tell you she's a girl who broke into some bears' house, ate their porridge, and slept in their bed. She also might have broken a chair. It's possible, but it's time to set the record straight.
The story of Goldilocks is not about how you shouldn't break into some bear's house. It's a story about being resourceful and having standards. You see, Goldilocks is not some sneaky thief. She seized the moment.
She was walking in the woods, all alone on an adventure, and she found a house that no one was using, with food that had just been left there fully cooked, abandoned. Was she going to let it go to waste? No! That's bad for the planet.
So she went full freegan-- rhymes with "vegan," and it means you only get by on what other people have thrown away or aren't using, free stuff, whatever is up for grabs, a freegan. She took shelter in that house. She avoided food waste, and after all that hard work, she just decided to nap attack one of those bears' beds while it was empty. It's like Airbnb. She was just ahead of her time.
[SNORING]
And when the bears got back, she left very promptly, to be polite-- could not have run out of there faster. Another thing that people overlook about Goldilocks when they're dismissing her as a common thief-- she has great taste, like, refined, classy, high-caliber taste. Does she just settle for the first thing that comes her way? No. She investigates. She gives an honest review. She finds what she likes.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Her sense of what's good and what's bad is so highly tuned that scientists have learned something from her, specifically, scientists looking for life in outer space. They're looking at planets that are in what they call the Goldilocks zone. That means planets that are near a star, like our sun. They need to be not too hot, not too cold, but just right for life to form because if life is out there, some think it's going to be in the Goldilocks zone.
Do we have scientists looking in the Little Red Riding zone? No. No one wants to be in the zone. That is teeth and scariness and grandma screaming. No, thank you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
So take a seat next to your new best pal at the party, Goldilocks. She's easy to find. Her hair glows like a beacon. You'll get the best seat, the best snacks, and you may even get a hint about life on other planets-- plus, no wolf breath.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow. That declaration of greatness really hit that just-right sweet spot. Nick, what stood out to you about Tracy's declaration of greatness?
NICK: I really liked-- it was funny, and I liked how you framed it as, like, who you're going to hang out with at a party. That was good.
MOLLY BLOOM: Very smart. All right. Utkarsh, it's time for your rebuttal. You've got 30 seconds to tackle Tracy's argument, and your time starts now.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Sweet. OK. Goldilocks is sitting in the corner at this party because she definitely crashed, and everyone feels really awkward.
[LAUGHTER]
Exactly. Goldilocks does have standards, but she immediately ate bear porridge. Bear porridge is probably, like, pine cones and unwashed fish bones.
[LAUGHTER]
Secondly, she had to eat. She had to put the porridge in her mouth to tell how hot or cold it was. There's so many signs you see before you put something in your mouth to tell like, oh, is it steaming? Is it cold? Is there condensation? I don't know.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: And the Goldilocks zone, arguably most boring zone. That's where Earth is. We already know Earth.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Nicely done. All right. Utkarsh, you have another turn here. It's your turn to tell us why little Red Riding Hood is the superior story star.
[RELAXING MUSIC]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Welcome to your guided meditation journey. Today, we're going to take a walk through the forest that is our minds and also Germany. Breathe in. Roll your shoulders. Notice the ground.
Feel the big wicker basket full of cake in your right hand. Take it out of the basket. Lick it. [LICKS LIPS] Mm.
Now remember your grandmother. She's been waiting for this cake. Can't believe you licked it-- that is pretty messed up. Put it back.
Begin your walk. Listen to the crunching of leaves, snapping of twigs. Look to your left-- spruce trees. Look to your right-- more spruce trees.
Now look in front of you because there is a wolf there. Ick. You freeze. This is the start of one of the coolest, sickest stories in the world, "Little Red Riding Hood."
[MUSIC PLAYING]
A story about a young kid facing off against a huge, scary monster and ultimately winning, unlike another young kid we know, who decided to face off against three bowls of porridge and somehow lost.
GOLDILOCKS: Ugh. But I was hungry!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Because you may know this story, but did you know there's a sort of sequel to this tale? Yeah. In some versions, the wolf comes back to the cabin and tries to trick Little Red and Grandma again.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BIG BAD WOLF: Hello. I'm here to eat-- I mean I'm here to check your water meter.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: But this time they're wise. They keep the door locked. The wolf climbs on the roof to wait for them to come out, but they're on to him. They pour some water used to cook sausages into a trough and leave it right outside the front door. The wolf gets obsessed with this wiener water smell and tries to get a big whiff of it but instead falls off the roof into the trough.
BIG BAD WOLF: Turns out I was the hot dog all along.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Wolf drowns. Everyone is safe. Happy ending. See? Little Red learns from her experiences, instead of having the same experience over and over again and running away from any possible meaning.
GOLDILOCKS: Uh! But I was scared of consequences!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: People all over the world love this story, too. Different versions come from at least three separate continents.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
They've all got different versions of the big bad wolf. There's Aunt Tiger from Taiwan.
AUNT TIGER: [SNARLS] I am not a tiger! I'm your aunt. Let me eat you!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Nazio and her brother from Kenya.
BROTHER: [YELLS] I am not an ogre. I am your brother. Let me eat you.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: And the wolf and the seven young goats from Southwestern Asia and North Africa.
WOLF: [IMITATES BLEATING] I'm not a wolf. I'm a goat! Let me eat you kids!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: They all make very good arguments for never answering your door. But more importantly, they teach the valuable lesson that if someone seems suspicious, trust your instincts. You don't have to let them in.
Be savvy. Be smart. Be like Little Red.
[DOOR OPENS]
But I just want to see how crunchy your bones are-- not on my watch.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Finally, that sweet red cape is fashion, baby. Little Red has been played by icons-- Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Ricci, Liza Minnelli, Reese Witherspoon, Elliot Page. That red cape is perfect for the red carpet. While Goldilocks drools on other people's beds, Little Red rules without a crown on her head. So let's finish our meditation.
[RELAXING MUSIC]
You meet that wolf in the woods, but you've lived, you've laughed, you've learned. So this time you roundhouse that sucker in his belly.
[PUNCH LANDS]
WOLF: [GRUNT]
Then you dump a pail of hot sausage water on him because this whole time you were also holding a pail of hot sausage water. Why? Because you are Little Red Riding Hood. You're wise, you're stylish, and you're no longer afraid of wolves.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow. A very relaxing yet invigorating argument for a Little Red there. Nick, what stood out to you about Utkarsh's declaration of greatness?
NICK: It was a very compelling story to me. It was funny, and I thought it was really a smart thing to do.
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, Tracy, it's time for your rebuttal. Give Utkarsh's argument a tongue thrashing. You have 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
TRACY MUMFORD: Man, you needed a whole sequel for her to learn her lesson? She had to get eaten by a wolf first? Are you kidding me?
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
TRACY MUMFORD: The sequel is never better. I'm very glad she learned her lesson, but, you know, maybe know what your grandma looks like in the first place. Right? You don't recognize your own grandma? You confused a wolf for your grandma?
You had to get eaten and saved? You know who saved herself? Goldilocks. Also, your story was sort of created by the Brothers Grimm. And things are looking grim for you. That's all I'm going to say.
Also, the cape. Put it on. Put it off. No one needs it.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time. [CHUCKLES] Wow. This is a very, very hard decision you have in front of you, Nick. You have to give one point to the declaration of greatness you liked best and another point to the most compelling rebuttal.
You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one side charm you with their humor or logic, bewitch you with their bizarro tale? Both points can go to the same person. One point could go to each-- totally up to you.
Have you made your decision?
NICK: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Excellent. Utkarsh and Tracy, how are you feeling so far?
TRACY MUMFORD: Wise beyond my years.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah, that good. Yeah, him.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS] Excellent. All right. It's time for a quick break. Grab a treat from your basket or a spoonful of porridge.
NICK: And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: You're watching State of Debate, home to raging rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Taylor Lincoln here with the man who eats, sleeps, and breathes sound reasoning, Todd Douglass.
TODD DOUGLASS: Taylor and I love debate.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It's true.
TODD DOUGLASS: And we can't stand logical fallacies.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Blech!
TODD DOUGLASS: When we hear a logical fallacy, it leaves a bad taste in our mouths or, rather, ears.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Yeah. Our ears are all like, what was that? Did that person just make an argument weaker by using a logical fallacy?
TODD DOUGLASS: And today's fallacy tastes terrible-- the appeal to nature.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: That's when you say something is better just because it's natural, whatever that means.
TODD DOUGLASS: That's what's going on here.
MOTHER: Honey, we need to get going. Do you want to try going to the bathroom before we get in the car?
MICKEY: Sure, Mom. Great idea.
[DOOR OPENS]
MOTHER: Um, Mickey, why are you going outside? Didn't you just say you wanted to use the toilet first?
MICKEY: I said I would try to go to the bathroom. I never said anything about the toilet.
MOTHER: Excuse me?
MICKEY: Oh, yeah. I've been peeing in the backyard for a few weeks now.
MOTHER: Mickey, no! You need to use our bathroom in the house.
MICKEY: But Mom, this is the natural way. Animals do it. And what are humans if not animals? Humans were never meant to use toilets.
[BUZZER]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: What a "loo-gical" fallacy.
TODD DOUGLASS: Definitely. There are all sorts of arguments Mickey could have made in favor of his side that didn't include this fallacy.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Say what now?
TODD DOUGLASS: Eliminating the need for a flush saves water. The nitrogen in urine is good for the plants. It can deter rabbits and deer from eating your prized roses. It also--
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Um, OK. But his argument that animals do it so we should do it, too, is a fallacy because animals do lots of things we shouldn't do, like poo without wiping.
TODD DOUGLASS: Good point.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: That's all for now, Debate Heads. Thanks for joining us on State of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGERS: Smash boom best.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOLLY BLOOM: You are listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host, Molly Bloom.
NICK: And I'm your judge, Nick.
MOLLY BLOOM: So Nick, how is it going? Are you enjoying the debate?
NICK: Yes. It's very funny. It's making me laugh a lot.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's good. And so what is something you've learned so far that you didn't know before?
NICK: I didn't know that "Little Red Riding Hood" had a sequel.
MOLLY BLOOM: Me neither. We love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Here's an epic idea we got from Eden from Princeton, New Jersey.
EDEN: My debate idea is slime versus Play-Doh.
NICK: An ooey-gooey debate idea. I like it.
MOLLY BLOOM: We'll check back with Eden at the end of this episode to see which side she thinks should win.
NICK: And now it's back to today's debate, Goldilocks versus Little Red Riding Hood.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's right, and it's time for round two, the--
WOMAN: --micro-round.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Today's micro-round challenge is called "YouTube Star." We asked Utkarsh and Tracy to pretend that a character from their story is an internet influencer. Let's see that vlog energy.
Tracy went first last time, so Utkarsh, you're up. Let's hear what the wolf from "Little Red Riding Hood" has to say to his subscribers.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Hello, my wolves in chic clothing. I'm back with another full-face makeup transformation. Today, we're going to learn how to do a realistic human grandma-- perfect for tricking little kids.
First thing's first, humans love skin. They put it everywhere, even on their eyes. We're going to glue our fur down with this handy-dandy glue stick, and glue, and glue, and there we go. Now we'll apply the skin.
I use foundation. You can use drywall all over. Finally, we got to tape our ears down flat to the sides of our head. Ta-da! Human.
[DOOR OPENS]
LITTLE RED: Grandma?
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [SCREAMS] I mean, yes, this is your grandma.
LITTLE RED: You look tired.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: That's because I've been doing human work all day, like algebra and hopscotch.
LITTLE RED: And are your ears taped to your head?
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yes.
LITTLE RED: Hmm.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: You can stay if you want.
LITTLE RED: Yeah, OK. Right. Well, here's the cake. See you later.
[DOOR CLOSES]
NICK: Man, whatever. Cake! It's sausages! Hot sausages! This is triggering for me! [GROANS]
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] Wow. Definitely some beauty tips we can all use. Humans do love skin. All right, Tracy. It's your turn. Let's hear your take on Goldilocks YouTube content.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
TRACY MUMFORD: Hi. I'm Goldie, Goldilocks. Thanks for watching. Today, we are going to do a little unboxing.
That's right. It's Goldilocks's Goldi-Boxes.
CHILDREN: (SINGING) Rip it, tear it, what's inside.
TRACY MUMFORD: Here's where I get to open all of these boxes and show you, my crew, what's inside. But here's the thing-- these are not really my boxes because, as you know, I don't have what you'd call a permanent address.
I'm more of a couch-surfing, free spirit, vanlife I-could-borrow-someone's-van kind of girl. But I did see these boxes just, like, totally sitting out this morning, right on people's steps. Nobody around, so I figured, let's see what's inside.
OK. First up, we have some cat food. Wow. OK. Meow. Too cat for me. I'm a human. [CHUCKLES]
Let's see what else. This next box is a-- oh, like a red coat? Cape? Cloak? Too old-fashioned for me. Wish I knew somebody. Oh well.
Next up, we have-- oh, fun! Glasses! Not like sunglasses, but, like, the clear kind. Do you think I look cool with these on or-- oh, whoa. These make me dizzy-- too glassy for me. Somebody really needs these.
OK. And my last box is-- [GASPS] gourmet porridge mix! Tres "porrage," my fave.
This box is just right. Oh, my gosh. Look. It was even addressed to me. There's a note.
BEAR: Dear Goldie, please take this porridge and leave our other packages alone. We really needed those batteries you said were too small. Love, the bears.
TRACY MUMFORD: Aw. Love you too, Cher Bears. Goldie out.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: She finally found what she was looking for. All right, Nick. I want to know what did you like about those micro-rounds.
NICK: The Little Red Riding Hood one was not what I expected, but in a good way. Like, it was very funny, and the Goldilocks one, I liked at the end, especially when it was the letter from the bears. I feel like that was very funny and compelling to me.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Another tough decision. Again, the criteria is up to you. This ought to make you laugh.
Did someone make your feelings feel all the feelings? Did someone make you want to smash that subscribe button? Whatever it is, time to award a point, but don't tell us who it's going to. Have you made your decision?
NICK: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Wonderful. Then it's time for our third round, the super stealthy--
MEN: Ha ha hoo ha!
MOLLY BLOOM: --sneak attack. Your sneak attack is called "Mystery Sound." Tracy, Utkarsh, we're going to give you a list of things related to your side. And you'll each have 30 seconds to get Nick to guess as many mystery sounds from your list as you can.
So whoever gets Nick to guess the most mystery sounds right wins. And if it's a tie, then Nick gets to decide who gets the point. So for example, if my side was a mouse, my first sound might be "thwap." And you'd have to guess that I was making the sound of a mousetrap. Does that make sense?
TRACY MUMFORD: Let's do it!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah!
MOLLY BLOOM: Nick, you've got your listening ears on.
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Utkarsh has got their sound-making mouth on.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: You have 30 seconds to get through as many as you can. I will be keeping track of how many we get, and your time starts now.
[CLOCK TICKING]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [CRUNCHING SOUNDS] [CHIRPING]
NICK: Eating. Birds-- birds eating. Eating grandma.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Pass, pass, pass.
NICK: Grandma.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Oh, OK. [SNARLY SLURPING] [GULPING SWALLOW]
NICK: Wolf eating. Wolf eating.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: I'll give it to you. Close.
[CHUCKLING]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: (GRUFF WOLF VOICE) Hmm. [SNIFFING] Huh? Really?
[EXPLOSION SOUND]
[SCREAMS IN PAIN]
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: Wolf eating Little Red Riding Hood.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. So that first one was walking through the forest.
NICK: Oh.
MOLLY BLOOM: Those are the birds tweeting. And then the last one was wolf falling into sausage water.
[LAUGHTER]
But you did successfully guess wolf eating, so you got one point.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Sorry if I wasn't supposed to say, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
That was correct.
MOLLY BLOOM: No. That was great. No, no, no. That's great. You did great.
OK. So Tracy, let's hear your Goldilocks-inspired mystery sounds. You have 30 seconds to get Nick to guess as many as possible. And your time starts now.
[CLOCK TICKING]
TRACY MUMFORD: [SLURPING, SMACKING LIPS]
NICK: Eating porridge.
MOLLY BLOOM: Correct.
TRACY MUMFORD: [SNORING]
NICK: Sleeping in the bed.
MOLLY BLOOM: Nice.
TRACY MUMFORD: [KNOCKING] [DOOR CREAKING]
NICK: Knocking on the door, and the bears coming home.
TRACY MUMFORD: [DOOR CREAKING]
NICK: Goldilocks walking in, knocking on the--
MOLLY BLOOM: Yeah. I say I'd give that to you.
TRACY MUMFORD: [SCREAMING, EXCLAIMING]
NICK: Running away because the bears found her!
[LAUGHTER]
TRACY MUMFORD: Oop. Ooh! [CREAKING SOUND] [EXCLAIMS]
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: Dude, that is too hard.
[LAUGHTER]
TRACY MUMFORD: Urr-ick [SCRAPE SOUND] urr-uh.
[LAUGHTER]
Urk.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: What?
MOLLY BLOOM: So that last one was the chair breaking. "Urk-uh" is the chair breaking.
NICK: Oh, yes. Yes, "urk-uh."
TRACY MUMFORD: I'm screaming. The chair's screaming. We're all screaming.
MOLLY BLOOM: Everyone was screaming. Well done. All right. So Tracy got four points, which means it's time to award a point to Goldilocks.
[BELL RINGS]
No decision necessary here. Good work to both of you. That was a very tricky sneak attack. You performed very well.
How did that feel, Utkarsh and Tracy?
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Oh, that was wild. Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
Figuring out how to make a soundscape was oh so good. Very good.
[LAUGHTER]
TRACY MUMFORD: I liked the birds being eaten. I thought you did a good job with that.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Thank you. Thank you.
MOLLY BLOOM: It's hard to differentiate between chomping and leaves crinkling.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: It's very difficult. All right. So Nick, we've awarded the fourth point.
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: And that means it's time for our final round.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: The final six.
MOLLY BLOOM: Tracy, you've got just six words left to win Nick over. What do you got?
TRACY MUMFORD: Goldilocks reigns. Thank you very much.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Utkarsh, your turn. Six words to convince us that Little Red deserves the red medal.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah. Little red, big rad, just right.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Ooh!
NICK: Nice.
TRACY MUMFORD: Gee, that sounded familiar.
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: It's nice.
MOLLY BLOOM: OK. This debate has been quite the story time slam. But who will win? There's only one person who can make that call. Nick, are you ready to give one more point for the final six?
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Have you awarded it?
NICK: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Tally those points up. Are you ready to crown one team the smash boom best?
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Drum roll, please.
[DRUM ROLL]
And the winner is--
NICK: Little Red Riding Hood.
TRACY MUMFORD: Robbed!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [EXCLAIMS]
TRACY MUMFORD: Robbed.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: I earned it, and nobody else can contest.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Nick, I want to know what decided it for you. What were the moments that swayed you to Little Red?
NICK: I think the micro-round was very much funny for me. It was probably one of my favorite parts of the entire debate.
MOLLY BLOOM: So it's that micro-round that really sealed the deal for Little Red. Nick, what was your favorite thing you learned today?
NICK: My favorite thing that I learned today was that Goldilocks steals boxes.
[LAUGHTER]
So whenever a package gets stolen from my house, I'll know that it was Goldilocks.
MOLLY BLOOM: It was probably Goldilocks.
NICK: Yeah.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Tracy, you did a great job today.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, it was very funny. I loved the micro-round. I loved the Goldilocks opening boxes. I loved learning about space. We're talking about fairy tale characters. All of a sudden, I'm thinking about planets. What a zoom-out.
TRACY MUMFORD: Utkarsh, I think we should go on a walk together in the woods.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [LAUGHS]
TRACY MUMFORD: I loved your declaration of greatness. I'm still feeling relaxed, still feeling that meditation.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, I love it, and maybe I can borrow your cloak sometime.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Thank you. I do have one red cloak.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Perfect. Let's all get four matching cloaks and go for a little walk through the woods. All right. That's it for today's debate battle.
Nick crowned Little Red Riding Hood the smash boom best. But what about you?
NICK: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
MOLLY BLOOM: Smash Boom Best is brought to you by Brains On and APM Studios.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: It's produced by Molly Bloom, Rosie DuPont, Ruby Guthrie, and Sanden Totten.
MOLLY BLOOM: We had engineering help from Gary O'Keefe and Elizabeth Iverson.
TRACY MUMFORD: And we had production help from Anna Goldfield, Marc Sanchez, and Anna Weggel.
MOLLY BLOOM: Our executive producer is Beth Pearlman, and the APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith. We'd like to give a special thanks to our announcer, Marley Foiricootto, Taylor Coffman, Austin Cross, Brant Miller, Alex Simpson, Peter Ecklund, and Ezra. Tracy, is there anyone you want to thank today?
TRACY MUMFORD: I just want to thank anyone who goes on vacation and leaves their door unlocked because you make Goldilocks possible.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: And Utkarsh, what about you? Any special shout-outs?
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Oh. The woods, I guess. They call to me.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Nice. And Nick, do you want to give any special thanks?
NICK: I'd like to thank both Utkarsh and Tracy for being here today and just really informing me of both the fairy tales.
MOLLY BLOOM: They did not make your decision easy.
NICK: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: That is for sure. All right. Before we go, let's check in with Eden.
EDEN: I think that Play-Doh should win because it's not that icky and gooey.
MOLLY BLOOM: Do you have an idea for a knockdown, drag-out debate? Head to smashboom.org and tell us about it. We'll be back with a new debate battle next week.
NICK: Bye!
TRACY MUMFORD: See ya!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Bye.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGER: (SINGING) Ooh, you're the smash boom best. Ooh, put you through the test. Ooh, you're the smash boom best. Ooh, better than the rest. You're the smash boom best. You're the smash boom best.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's kind of with her mouth shut. [LAUGHS]
NICK: Wait. If you--
(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) I live in a mouse crate. Oh.
TRACY MUMFORD: Yeah. You needed a tiny scream.
MOLLY BLOOM: [SCREAMS] [LAUGHS]
NICK: The show for people with big opinions.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOLLY BLOOM: My name is Molly Bloom, and you're listening to Smash Boom Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's stand-off features two fairy tale titans, Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. We've got audio producer extraordinaire Tracy Mumford here to represent intrepid porridge investigator Goldilocks.
TRACY MUMFORD: Not too hot, not too cold. I'm feeling just right for this fight.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS] And writer and comedian Utkarsh Rajawat to give big ups to Little Red.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: This basket case is a forest-gone conclusion-- Little Red Riding [HOWLS].
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Which team will win? The one with the crimson cape or the one with the lovely locks? It's tough to say, but lucky for us, we've got Nick from Saint Paul, Minnesota, here to help us decide.
Nick is a musician and jujitsu enthusiast who loves debate and musical theater. They love American history, expressing themselves, and they're double-jointed at the elbows. Nick, are you ready to rock the judge's seat?
NICK: Yes, completely ready.
MOLLY BLOOM: Awesome. So Nick, what do you think of these two characters? What comes to mind when I say Little Red Riding Hood?
NICK: When you say Little Red Riding Hood, I really think of that scene from the movie Into the Woods. I really like Into the Woods because it shows the family before Little Red, before she goes on their journey and meets the wolf. Like, it shows that they're poor, and this is all the bread that they have so that they can give-- I think it gives such a good backstory and really helps me connect with the characters more.
MOLLY BLOOM: Into the Woods is a musical about all these different storybook characters.
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Very cool. And so what comes to mind when we talk about Goldilocks?
NICK: I think of the Mo Willems Goldilocks, which is Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs, where they're trying to capture and eat her instead of not knowing that she's there.
MOLLY BLOOM: I really like that one. That is an excellent book, and we know you're in a band. So I'm wondering if Goldilocks and Little Red had their own bands, what kind of music do you think they'd play and why?
NICK: I think Goldilocks would probably-- I think her first song would be called "Just Right." And it would be like a folk song kind of. And I think I'm going to be honest. Little Red would have a rock band.
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm. What would then her first single be, do you think?
NICK: Her first single would be "Chased by the Wolf."
MOLLY BLOOM: Ooh. I can tell you are in a rock band. This is excellent. All right. Now, let's review the rules of the game.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Round one is the declaration of greatness, where our debaters present fact-filled arguments in favor of their side. And each will have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. Then we've got the micro-round, where each team will present a creative response to a prompt they received in advance.
Round three is the sneak attack, where our debaters will have to respond to an improv challenge on the spot. And to wrap it all up, we've got the final six, where each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Our judge, Nick, will award two points in the first round-- one for their favorite rebuttal, the other for the declaration they liked best.
They'll award one point in each round after that, but they'll keep their decisions top secret until the end of the debate. Listeners, we want you to judge too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won.
OK. Tracy, Utkarsh, and Nick, are you ready?
TRACY MUMFORD: Feeling gold!
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: I am ready.
TRACY MUMFORD: I'm a little ready riding hood.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for the--
[FANFARE]
ANNOUNCER: Declaration of greatness.
MOLLY BLOOM: We flipped a coin, and Tracy, you're up first. Tell us why Goldilocks is the smash boom best.
TRACY MUMFORD: OK. You have just received the biggest invite of the year to the fairy tale house party-- the fairy tale house party. The invite came strapped to a goose, which was kind of hard to catch, but you did it. You got the invite. You are in.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You show up to the party, which is at a castle, obviously, and everyone is there. So now you have to decide-- who do you want to hang out with? You look around the room, and you've got Jack, who seems a little paranoid, looking over his shoulder, mumbling about giants and beans. That's an option.
You've got Hansel and Gretel, who are the messiest eaters I have ever seen. They are spewing crumbs from, like, 10 feet away. And then you've got Little Red over there, who honestly smells a little like wet dog, and it's very unclear what's under that coat.
And then you see her, Goldilocks. She's chilling in the corner, so relaxed. She has definitely found the comfiest couch. She's got just the right bowl of guacamole, and she is all about sharing. This is who you want to hang out with.
Goldilocks is an old soul. Her story has been around in one form or another for more than 200 years. And if you listen to the naysayers, they'll tell you she's a girl who broke into some bears' house, ate their porridge, and slept in their bed. She also might have broken a chair. It's possible, but it's time to set the record straight.
The story of Goldilocks is not about how you shouldn't break into some bear's house. It's a story about being resourceful and having standards. You see, Goldilocks is not some sneaky thief. She seized the moment.
She was walking in the woods, all alone on an adventure, and she found a house that no one was using, with food that had just been left there fully cooked, abandoned. Was she going to let it go to waste? No! That's bad for the planet.
So she went full freegan-- rhymes with "vegan," and it means you only get by on what other people have thrown away or aren't using, free stuff, whatever is up for grabs, a freegan. She took shelter in that house. She avoided food waste, and after all that hard work, she just decided to nap attack one of those bears' beds while it was empty. It's like Airbnb. She was just ahead of her time.
[SNORING]
And when the bears got back, she left very promptly, to be polite-- could not have run out of there faster. Another thing that people overlook about Goldilocks when they're dismissing her as a common thief-- she has great taste, like, refined, classy, high-caliber taste. Does she just settle for the first thing that comes her way? No. She investigates. She gives an honest review. She finds what she likes.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Her sense of what's good and what's bad is so highly tuned that scientists have learned something from her, specifically, scientists looking for life in outer space. They're looking at planets that are in what they call the Goldilocks zone. That means planets that are near a star, like our sun. They need to be not too hot, not too cold, but just right for life to form because if life is out there, some think it's going to be in the Goldilocks zone.
Do we have scientists looking in the Little Red Riding zone? No. No one wants to be in the zone. That is teeth and scariness and grandma screaming. No, thank you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
So take a seat next to your new best pal at the party, Goldilocks. She's easy to find. Her hair glows like a beacon. You'll get the best seat, the best snacks, and you may even get a hint about life on other planets-- plus, no wolf breath.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow. That declaration of greatness really hit that just-right sweet spot. Nick, what stood out to you about Tracy's declaration of greatness?
NICK: I really liked-- it was funny, and I liked how you framed it as, like, who you're going to hang out with at a party. That was good.
MOLLY BLOOM: Very smart. All right. Utkarsh, it's time for your rebuttal. You've got 30 seconds to tackle Tracy's argument, and your time starts now.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Sweet. OK. Goldilocks is sitting in the corner at this party because she definitely crashed, and everyone feels really awkward.
[LAUGHTER]
Exactly. Goldilocks does have standards, but she immediately ate bear porridge. Bear porridge is probably, like, pine cones and unwashed fish bones.
[LAUGHTER]
Secondly, she had to eat. She had to put the porridge in her mouth to tell how hot or cold it was. There's so many signs you see before you put something in your mouth to tell like, oh, is it steaming? Is it cold? Is there condensation? I don't know.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: And the Goldilocks zone, arguably most boring zone. That's where Earth is. We already know Earth.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Nicely done. All right. Utkarsh, you have another turn here. It's your turn to tell us why little Red Riding Hood is the superior story star.
[RELAXING MUSIC]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Welcome to your guided meditation journey. Today, we're going to take a walk through the forest that is our minds and also Germany. Breathe in. Roll your shoulders. Notice the ground.
Feel the big wicker basket full of cake in your right hand. Take it out of the basket. Lick it. [LICKS LIPS] Mm.
Now remember your grandmother. She's been waiting for this cake. Can't believe you licked it-- that is pretty messed up. Put it back.
Begin your walk. Listen to the crunching of leaves, snapping of twigs. Look to your left-- spruce trees. Look to your right-- more spruce trees.
Now look in front of you because there is a wolf there. Ick. You freeze. This is the start of one of the coolest, sickest stories in the world, "Little Red Riding Hood."
[MUSIC PLAYING]
A story about a young kid facing off against a huge, scary monster and ultimately winning, unlike another young kid we know, who decided to face off against three bowls of porridge and somehow lost.
GOLDILOCKS: Ugh. But I was hungry!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Because you may know this story, but did you know there's a sort of sequel to this tale? Yeah. In some versions, the wolf comes back to the cabin and tries to trick Little Red and Grandma again.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BIG BAD WOLF: Hello. I'm here to eat-- I mean I'm here to check your water meter.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: But this time they're wise. They keep the door locked. The wolf climbs on the roof to wait for them to come out, but they're on to him. They pour some water used to cook sausages into a trough and leave it right outside the front door. The wolf gets obsessed with this wiener water smell and tries to get a big whiff of it but instead falls off the roof into the trough.
BIG BAD WOLF: Turns out I was the hot dog all along.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Wolf drowns. Everyone is safe. Happy ending. See? Little Red learns from her experiences, instead of having the same experience over and over again and running away from any possible meaning.
GOLDILOCKS: Uh! But I was scared of consequences!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: People all over the world love this story, too. Different versions come from at least three separate continents.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
They've all got different versions of the big bad wolf. There's Aunt Tiger from Taiwan.
AUNT TIGER: [SNARLS] I am not a tiger! I'm your aunt. Let me eat you!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Nazio and her brother from Kenya.
BROTHER: [YELLS] I am not an ogre. I am your brother. Let me eat you.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: And the wolf and the seven young goats from Southwestern Asia and North Africa.
WOLF: [IMITATES BLEATING] I'm not a wolf. I'm a goat! Let me eat you kids!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: They all make very good arguments for never answering your door. But more importantly, they teach the valuable lesson that if someone seems suspicious, trust your instincts. You don't have to let them in.
Be savvy. Be smart. Be like Little Red.
[DOOR OPENS]
But I just want to see how crunchy your bones are-- not on my watch.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Finally, that sweet red cape is fashion, baby. Little Red has been played by icons-- Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, Christina Ricci, Liza Minnelli, Reese Witherspoon, Elliot Page. That red cape is perfect for the red carpet. While Goldilocks drools on other people's beds, Little Red rules without a crown on her head. So let's finish our meditation.
[RELAXING MUSIC]
You meet that wolf in the woods, but you've lived, you've laughed, you've learned. So this time you roundhouse that sucker in his belly.
[PUNCH LANDS]
WOLF: [GRUNT]
Then you dump a pail of hot sausage water on him because this whole time you were also holding a pail of hot sausage water. Why? Because you are Little Red Riding Hood. You're wise, you're stylish, and you're no longer afraid of wolves.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow. A very relaxing yet invigorating argument for a Little Red there. Nick, what stood out to you about Utkarsh's declaration of greatness?
NICK: It was a very compelling story to me. It was funny, and I thought it was really a smart thing to do.
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, Tracy, it's time for your rebuttal. Give Utkarsh's argument a tongue thrashing. You have 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
TRACY MUMFORD: Man, you needed a whole sequel for her to learn her lesson? She had to get eaten by a wolf first? Are you kidding me?
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
TRACY MUMFORD: The sequel is never better. I'm very glad she learned her lesson, but, you know, maybe know what your grandma looks like in the first place. Right? You don't recognize your own grandma? You confused a wolf for your grandma?
You had to get eaten and saved? You know who saved herself? Goldilocks. Also, your story was sort of created by the Brothers Grimm. And things are looking grim for you. That's all I'm going to say.
Also, the cape. Put it on. Put it off. No one needs it.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time. [CHUCKLES] Wow. This is a very, very hard decision you have in front of you, Nick. You have to give one point to the declaration of greatness you liked best and another point to the most compelling rebuttal.
You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one side charm you with their humor or logic, bewitch you with their bizarro tale? Both points can go to the same person. One point could go to each-- totally up to you.
Have you made your decision?
NICK: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Excellent. Utkarsh and Tracy, how are you feeling so far?
TRACY MUMFORD: Wise beyond my years.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah, that good. Yeah, him.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS] Excellent. All right. It's time for a quick break. Grab a treat from your basket or a spoonful of porridge.
NICK: And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: You're watching State of Debate, home to raging rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Taylor Lincoln here with the man who eats, sleeps, and breathes sound reasoning, Todd Douglass.
TODD DOUGLASS: Taylor and I love debate.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It's true.
TODD DOUGLASS: And we can't stand logical fallacies.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Blech!
TODD DOUGLASS: When we hear a logical fallacy, it leaves a bad taste in our mouths or, rather, ears.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Yeah. Our ears are all like, what was that? Did that person just make an argument weaker by using a logical fallacy?
TODD DOUGLASS: And today's fallacy tastes terrible-- the appeal to nature.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: That's when you say something is better just because it's natural, whatever that means.
TODD DOUGLASS: That's what's going on here.
MOTHER: Honey, we need to get going. Do you want to try going to the bathroom before we get in the car?
MICKEY: Sure, Mom. Great idea.
[DOOR OPENS]
MOTHER: Um, Mickey, why are you going outside? Didn't you just say you wanted to use the toilet first?
MICKEY: I said I would try to go to the bathroom. I never said anything about the toilet.
MOTHER: Excuse me?
MICKEY: Oh, yeah. I've been peeing in the backyard for a few weeks now.
MOTHER: Mickey, no! You need to use our bathroom in the house.
MICKEY: But Mom, this is the natural way. Animals do it. And what are humans if not animals? Humans were never meant to use toilets.
[BUZZER]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: What a "loo-gical" fallacy.
TODD DOUGLASS: Definitely. There are all sorts of arguments Mickey could have made in favor of his side that didn't include this fallacy.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Say what now?
TODD DOUGLASS: Eliminating the need for a flush saves water. The nitrogen in urine is good for the plants. It can deter rabbits and deer from eating your prized roses. It also--
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Um, OK. But his argument that animals do it so we should do it, too, is a fallacy because animals do lots of things we shouldn't do, like poo without wiping.
TODD DOUGLASS: Good point.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: That's all for now, Debate Heads. Thanks for joining us on State of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGERS: Smash boom best.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOLLY BLOOM: You are listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host, Molly Bloom.
NICK: And I'm your judge, Nick.
MOLLY BLOOM: So Nick, how is it going? Are you enjoying the debate?
NICK: Yes. It's very funny. It's making me laugh a lot.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's good. And so what is something you've learned so far that you didn't know before?
NICK: I didn't know that "Little Red Riding Hood" had a sequel.
MOLLY BLOOM: Me neither. We love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Here's an epic idea we got from Eden from Princeton, New Jersey.
EDEN: My debate idea is slime versus Play-Doh.
NICK: An ooey-gooey debate idea. I like it.
MOLLY BLOOM: We'll check back with Eden at the end of this episode to see which side she thinks should win.
NICK: And now it's back to today's debate, Goldilocks versus Little Red Riding Hood.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's right, and it's time for round two, the--
WOMAN: --micro-round.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Today's micro-round challenge is called "YouTube Star." We asked Utkarsh and Tracy to pretend that a character from their story is an internet influencer. Let's see that vlog energy.
Tracy went first last time, so Utkarsh, you're up. Let's hear what the wolf from "Little Red Riding Hood" has to say to his subscribers.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Hello, my wolves in chic clothing. I'm back with another full-face makeup transformation. Today, we're going to learn how to do a realistic human grandma-- perfect for tricking little kids.
First thing's first, humans love skin. They put it everywhere, even on their eyes. We're going to glue our fur down with this handy-dandy glue stick, and glue, and glue, and there we go. Now we'll apply the skin.
I use foundation. You can use drywall all over. Finally, we got to tape our ears down flat to the sides of our head. Ta-da! Human.
[DOOR OPENS]
LITTLE RED: Grandma?
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [SCREAMS] I mean, yes, this is your grandma.
LITTLE RED: You look tired.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: That's because I've been doing human work all day, like algebra and hopscotch.
LITTLE RED: And are your ears taped to your head?
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yes.
LITTLE RED: Hmm.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: You can stay if you want.
LITTLE RED: Yeah, OK. Right. Well, here's the cake. See you later.
[DOOR CLOSES]
NICK: Man, whatever. Cake! It's sausages! Hot sausages! This is triggering for me! [GROANS]
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] Wow. Definitely some beauty tips we can all use. Humans do love skin. All right, Tracy. It's your turn. Let's hear your take on Goldilocks YouTube content.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
TRACY MUMFORD: Hi. I'm Goldie, Goldilocks. Thanks for watching. Today, we are going to do a little unboxing.
That's right. It's Goldilocks's Goldi-Boxes.
CHILDREN: (SINGING) Rip it, tear it, what's inside.
TRACY MUMFORD: Here's where I get to open all of these boxes and show you, my crew, what's inside. But here's the thing-- these are not really my boxes because, as you know, I don't have what you'd call a permanent address.
I'm more of a couch-surfing, free spirit, vanlife I-could-borrow-someone's-van kind of girl. But I did see these boxes just, like, totally sitting out this morning, right on people's steps. Nobody around, so I figured, let's see what's inside.
OK. First up, we have some cat food. Wow. OK. Meow. Too cat for me. I'm a human. [CHUCKLES]
Let's see what else. This next box is a-- oh, like a red coat? Cape? Cloak? Too old-fashioned for me. Wish I knew somebody. Oh well.
Next up, we have-- oh, fun! Glasses! Not like sunglasses, but, like, the clear kind. Do you think I look cool with these on or-- oh, whoa. These make me dizzy-- too glassy for me. Somebody really needs these.
OK. And my last box is-- [GASPS] gourmet porridge mix! Tres "porrage," my fave.
This box is just right. Oh, my gosh. Look. It was even addressed to me. There's a note.
BEAR: Dear Goldie, please take this porridge and leave our other packages alone. We really needed those batteries you said were too small. Love, the bears.
TRACY MUMFORD: Aw. Love you too, Cher Bears. Goldie out.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: She finally found what she was looking for. All right, Nick. I want to know what did you like about those micro-rounds.
NICK: The Little Red Riding Hood one was not what I expected, but in a good way. Like, it was very funny, and the Goldilocks one, I liked at the end, especially when it was the letter from the bears. I feel like that was very funny and compelling to me.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Another tough decision. Again, the criteria is up to you. This ought to make you laugh.
Did someone make your feelings feel all the feelings? Did someone make you want to smash that subscribe button? Whatever it is, time to award a point, but don't tell us who it's going to. Have you made your decision?
NICK: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Wonderful. Then it's time for our third round, the super stealthy--
MEN: Ha ha hoo ha!
MOLLY BLOOM: --sneak attack. Your sneak attack is called "Mystery Sound." Tracy, Utkarsh, we're going to give you a list of things related to your side. And you'll each have 30 seconds to get Nick to guess as many mystery sounds from your list as you can.
So whoever gets Nick to guess the most mystery sounds right wins. And if it's a tie, then Nick gets to decide who gets the point. So for example, if my side was a mouse, my first sound might be "thwap." And you'd have to guess that I was making the sound of a mousetrap. Does that make sense?
TRACY MUMFORD: Let's do it!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah!
MOLLY BLOOM: Nick, you've got your listening ears on.
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Utkarsh has got their sound-making mouth on.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: You have 30 seconds to get through as many as you can. I will be keeping track of how many we get, and your time starts now.
[CLOCK TICKING]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [CRUNCHING SOUNDS] [CHIRPING]
NICK: Eating. Birds-- birds eating. Eating grandma.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Pass, pass, pass.
NICK: Grandma.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Oh, OK. [SNARLY SLURPING] [GULPING SWALLOW]
NICK: Wolf eating. Wolf eating.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: I'll give it to you. Close.
[CHUCKLING]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: (GRUFF WOLF VOICE) Hmm. [SNIFFING] Huh? Really?
[EXPLOSION SOUND]
[SCREAMS IN PAIN]
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: Wolf eating Little Red Riding Hood.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [LAUGHS]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. So that first one was walking through the forest.
NICK: Oh.
MOLLY BLOOM: Those are the birds tweeting. And then the last one was wolf falling into sausage water.
[LAUGHTER]
But you did successfully guess wolf eating, so you got one point.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Sorry if I wasn't supposed to say, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
That was correct.
MOLLY BLOOM: No. That was great. No, no, no. That's great. You did great.
OK. So Tracy, let's hear your Goldilocks-inspired mystery sounds. You have 30 seconds to get Nick to guess as many as possible. And your time starts now.
[CLOCK TICKING]
TRACY MUMFORD: [SLURPING, SMACKING LIPS]
NICK: Eating porridge.
MOLLY BLOOM: Correct.
TRACY MUMFORD: [SNORING]
NICK: Sleeping in the bed.
MOLLY BLOOM: Nice.
TRACY MUMFORD: [KNOCKING] [DOOR CREAKING]
NICK: Knocking on the door, and the bears coming home.
TRACY MUMFORD: [DOOR CREAKING]
NICK: Goldilocks walking in, knocking on the--
MOLLY BLOOM: Yeah. I say I'd give that to you.
TRACY MUMFORD: [SCREAMING, EXCLAIMING]
NICK: Running away because the bears found her!
[LAUGHTER]
TRACY MUMFORD: Oop. Ooh! [CREAKING SOUND] [EXCLAIMS]
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: Dude, that is too hard.
[LAUGHTER]
TRACY MUMFORD: Urr-ick [SCRAPE SOUND] urr-uh.
[LAUGHTER]
Urk.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: What?
MOLLY BLOOM: So that last one was the chair breaking. "Urk-uh" is the chair breaking.
NICK: Oh, yes. Yes, "urk-uh."
TRACY MUMFORD: I'm screaming. The chair's screaming. We're all screaming.
MOLLY BLOOM: Everyone was screaming. Well done. All right. So Tracy got four points, which means it's time to award a point to Goldilocks.
[BELL RINGS]
No decision necessary here. Good work to both of you. That was a very tricky sneak attack. You performed very well.
How did that feel, Utkarsh and Tracy?
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Oh, that was wild. Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
Figuring out how to make a soundscape was oh so good. Very good.
[LAUGHTER]
TRACY MUMFORD: I liked the birds being eaten. I thought you did a good job with that.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Thank you. Thank you.
MOLLY BLOOM: It's hard to differentiate between chomping and leaves crinkling.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: It's very difficult. All right. So Nick, we've awarded the fourth point.
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: And that means it's time for our final round.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: The final six.
MOLLY BLOOM: Tracy, you've got just six words left to win Nick over. What do you got?
TRACY MUMFORD: Goldilocks reigns. Thank you very much.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Utkarsh, your turn. Six words to convince us that Little Red deserves the red medal.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Yeah. Little red, big rad, just right.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Ooh!
NICK: Nice.
TRACY MUMFORD: Gee, that sounded familiar.
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: It's nice.
MOLLY BLOOM: OK. This debate has been quite the story time slam. But who will win? There's only one person who can make that call. Nick, are you ready to give one more point for the final six?
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: Have you awarded it?
NICK: Yes.
[BELL RINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Tally those points up. Are you ready to crown one team the smash boom best?
NICK: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Drum roll, please.
[DRUM ROLL]
And the winner is--
NICK: Little Red Riding Hood.
TRACY MUMFORD: Robbed!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [EXCLAIMS]
TRACY MUMFORD: Robbed.
[LAUGHTER]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: I earned it, and nobody else can contest.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Nick, I want to know what decided it for you. What were the moments that swayed you to Little Red?
NICK: I think the micro-round was very much funny for me. It was probably one of my favorite parts of the entire debate.
MOLLY BLOOM: So it's that micro-round that really sealed the deal for Little Red. Nick, what was your favorite thing you learned today?
NICK: My favorite thing that I learned today was that Goldilocks steals boxes.
[LAUGHTER]
So whenever a package gets stolen from my house, I'll know that it was Goldilocks.
MOLLY BLOOM: It was probably Goldilocks.
NICK: Yeah.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Tracy, you did a great job today.
[LAUGHTER]
All right, it was very funny. I loved the micro-round. I loved the Goldilocks opening boxes. I loved learning about space. We're talking about fairy tale characters. All of a sudden, I'm thinking about planets. What a zoom-out.
TRACY MUMFORD: Utkarsh, I think we should go on a walk together in the woods.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: [LAUGHS]
TRACY MUMFORD: I loved your declaration of greatness. I'm still feeling relaxed, still feeling that meditation.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, I love it, and maybe I can borrow your cloak sometime.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Thank you. I do have one red cloak.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Perfect. Let's all get four matching cloaks and go for a little walk through the woods. All right. That's it for today's debate battle.
Nick crowned Little Red Riding Hood the smash boom best. But what about you?
NICK: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
MOLLY BLOOM: Smash Boom Best is brought to you by Brains On and APM Studios.
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: It's produced by Molly Bloom, Rosie DuPont, Ruby Guthrie, and Sanden Totten.
MOLLY BLOOM: We had engineering help from Gary O'Keefe and Elizabeth Iverson.
TRACY MUMFORD: And we had production help from Anna Goldfield, Marc Sanchez, and Anna Weggel.
MOLLY BLOOM: Our executive producer is Beth Pearlman, and the APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati, Alex Schaffert, and Joanne Griffith. We'd like to give a special thanks to our announcer, Marley Foiricootto, Taylor Coffman, Austin Cross, Brant Miller, Alex Simpson, Peter Ecklund, and Ezra. Tracy, is there anyone you want to thank today?
TRACY MUMFORD: I just want to thank anyone who goes on vacation and leaves their door unlocked because you make Goldilocks possible.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: And Utkarsh, what about you? Any special shout-outs?
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Oh. The woods, I guess. They call to me.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Nice. And Nick, do you want to give any special thanks?
NICK: I'd like to thank both Utkarsh and Tracy for being here today and just really informing me of both the fairy tales.
MOLLY BLOOM: They did not make your decision easy.
NICK: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: That is for sure. All right. Before we go, let's check in with Eden.
EDEN: I think that Play-Doh should win because it's not that icky and gooey.
MOLLY BLOOM: Do you have an idea for a knockdown, drag-out debate? Head to smashboom.org and tell us about it. We'll be back with a new debate battle next week.
NICK: Bye!
TRACY MUMFORD: See ya!
UTKARSH RAJAWAT: Bye.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGER: (SINGING) Ooh, you're the smash boom best. Ooh, put you through the test. Ooh, you're the smash boom best. Ooh, better than the rest. You're the smash boom best. You're the smash boom best.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's kind of with her mouth shut. [LAUGHS]
NICK: Wait. If you--
(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) I live in a mouse crate. Oh.
TRACY MUMFORD: Yeah. You needed a tiny scream.
MOLLY BLOOM: [SCREAMS] [LAUGHS]
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